The decision

The reason that I haven't been blogging lately doesn't have anything to do with indecisiveness concerning my blog or the idea of forming a new blog. Everyone helped me to decide right away to keep one random thought blog. I think I've just been busy doing some couponing and maybe feeling a little unfocused. But I really appreciate every one's willingness to read my sad and repetitive posts as we continue to grieve and process our loss.

An update on what we're thinking and going through:

Jonah is talking a LOT more about it. He asks about Norah and talks a little like he doesn't understand that she won't be coming to our house. There isn't a lot of sadness, just some matter-of-factness. Then he promptly morphs into his Power Ranger of choice. It adds to our saddness when he brings it up but we are glad that he feels like he CAN bring it up instead of it becoming this deep dark pain that we avoid for the next 50 years.

There is nothing new with the medical aspect, meaning we still have no clue why this happened to us. I have one more appointment, its with the specialist that helped us to get pregnant. I'm not being too hopeful that he will tell us anything different than the other doctors have.

Jake and I are still both pretty sad. Weekdays have been tough for Jake when he has to try and focus on work where weekends are harder for me because they tend not to be has scheduled as during the week. Lately I find myself really frustrated with the fact that I am no longer pregnant, yet should be. I can't help it- whether I'm running with my small group though the rain to find shelter from a possible tornado or following J through our local zoo I'm thinking "I should be pregnant right now."

I'm also feeling the need to know "what is next?" while Jake is certianly feeling like we shouldn't make any decisions right now (which is what our conselor says). I like to plan and not having one is driving me crazy! I've tried to be content with being planless for the past 3 months and that's about all I can take. I'm ready for adoption info and stats on our chances of this happening again. I'm ready to secure some sort of job for the fall. I'm ready to do something! We're choosing to "chill" a little longer and pray a lot more, but its hard. I'm a women of action, so until we are up to big decisions I'll guess I'll stick to the little ones like what color to paint the spare room or if we should join the neighborhood pool.