Yesterday was my appointment with the infertility specialist. I really had mixed feelings about seeing him.
I was pretty sure he was NOT going to tell us:
to stop trying
the reason my water broke
I was fairly certain he would:
cuss a decent amount (he probably would have been a sailor instead of a reproductive specialist if this was 1908 instead of 2008....)
encourage us to do invitro again
Of course, I wanted him to tell me that there is at least a chance of us getting pregnant again and carrying to term but I am also desperate to find out what happened! I also am not ready to do IVF again and don't know if I ever will be. For those reasons, I wasn't looking forward to this meeting. But because I hoped he would have some answers for me I couldn't help but feel the need to talk to him.
I got 2 1/2 right. The only unwholesome talk that came out of his month was "this really sucks" (and it does so all I could do was agree with him). Anyway, I will only count that as 1/2. But I was right on about 2 other things: he says I am not done and that I should do IVF again. He was very understanding about how I wasn't ready to do that right now and even developed a plan based on his theory for "what happened". Yes, he has a theory and yes there is a procedure to do to see if he is right! I am so glad that I was wrong about that one. Of course, there is no guarantee that he is right and even if is he, he can't necessary prevent it from happening again. But he can try!!!
I feel renewed with hope today. He said I only had a decent chance of getting pregnant on my own but it wouldn't hurt a thing to try. We will schedule a special x-ray for next month to check his theory (I might have an incompetent cervix, I knew some part of my female reproductive system wasn't doing their job...) and hopefully get some blood test results back soon to check on my hormone levels. IF I do get pregnant again, then he will "stitch" my cervix to help it do its job correctly. None of that is "for sure" or mean that I will get my happy ending, but it makes me feel like I have a chance.
Sorry if that cervix talk was too much for some of you, but remember, I offered to put it on another blog...
A New Theory
Hogging the Limelight
Jake made the media again, along with Jonah this time.
Check out the Herald and Review to see them in our local paper. I had a my Threads of Hope bible study but I sent Jake to this kindergarten readiness meeting. There is actually an office whose goal is the research and development of curriculum to prepare for kindergarten.
The best thing about it was that he received 11 free books and activities to do with each of them! But has he looked at each of them Jonah said that he had read them at his school so apparently they had done the program at his pre-school, which was part of the public school system. Oh well, we will do it again at home and enjoy our free books.
How Its Made
My husband likes to blog about particular things that make people make statements such as " I read your blog today and didn't get it", "What were you talking about?", and "I stopped reading your blog months ago." Those comments don't seem to bother him. Because I don't know if he'll share the exciting event that happened to him yesterday, I'm going to do it for him!
Yesterday the Discovery Channel's show "How Its Made" came to his workplace to do a segment on the radar gun! Jake was the contact person and spent the whole day at the plant while they filmed the show. He also took the crew (4 French speaking Canadians) out to lunch where they informed him that it was Quebec Independence Day. Because they had to celebrate they were pretty sure that the camera man, who "celebrated" the most, would be a little out of focus for the afternoon shooting.
WAND came to record the event, click here to get to their website. Its currently the video on the homepage so all you have to do is click on it. I haven't figured out how to save the video or how long it will be up!
Environmental Theory at its finest
I remember learning many theories about what effects children as they develop back from classes such as Child Development. One such theory by B.F. Skinner stated that environment was what effected children the most. Here are some funny examples of just that (well sort of, you probably won't see these in a text book).
As we were reading a book entitled "A diary of a worm" J asks, "what is a diary?" "A diary", I say, "is like a blog, only on paper." "Ohhhhhhhhhh" he says, now understanding.
How many more days of CVS? J really meant VBS. You can tell his mommy drags him somewhere besides church way too much!
At Wal-mart last week: Do you want a Spiderman or Spongebob t-shirt? J asks, "We can get it? Is it on sale?" Oh course its on sale ($3 with a pair of pants included)!
Mighty Morphin Dentist Power
Jonah tells everyone that our dentist is a power ranger! Not only does he have similar facial features of Jason David Frank who played Tommy during numerous seasons of Power Rangers but he also has the same long black hair. Jonah told him that he looked just like him and he said "I get that a lot, you can call me Tommy!". What a crack up, he told me that if I let him know the next time before I bring J in, he'll dress up in Power Ranger-like suit! What a good sport.
He was also very understanding when I had a meltdown in the dentist chair this morning! He warned me it might hurt and maybe I would need a root canal and that was all it took for me to burst into tears! I'm just so tired of being warned about the "worst case scenario" and then it coming true, I just couldn't take it. Poor guy felt SO bad! If he could just morph or call upon his dentistry zords to make everything all better... I'm to call him in the morning to let him know how I am feeling so he can decide what he needs to do next. I really hope I don't have to go back tomorrow, I'm so embarrassed!
Defeating Defeat
I've been dreading today, the first day of VBS, for quite some time now. Today was suppose to mark the beginning of the "downward stretch" for me. The last 6 weeks. If I could make it to now then everything would definitely be okay. Well, we all know that I didn't "make it" until today and that everything was far from okay. Because I was expecting to be miserable this week I opted out of teaching a class this year, something that one of the directors did not love to hear because she was already feeling low on teachers. I did not give into the guilt I was feeling because I really don't feel 100% and really don't feel like I can patiently handle a room full of rowdy VBS-ers. So I requested to be in the kitchen. I think I picked a good year to be on the kitchen crew since our theme is Game Day (a sports theme) and our kitchen is the concession stand - no making 125 cell phone out of graham crackers just nachos, hot dogs, and popcorn.
So I woke up today, the day I was sure that I would feel defeated, to a little boy with white spots on the back of his throat who was hoarse and couldn't drink his favorite orange juice AND the realization that our van is STILL in the shop. So instead of having time to be sad I had to make a doctors appointment and dropped Jake off at work all in time to get to VBS in time to help assemble nachos for a crowd.
VBS was fine, I was plenty busy without having to to be "on" the whole morning. The kids loved the nachos and I got Jonah to the doctor on time. He has a viral infection so we picked up some anitbotics (just in case) and can return to VBS tomorrow. Our van is fixed, we are picking it up tonight after we pay a $800 bill for a new computer something-something.
Today I'm feeling thankful for distractions that are helping me NOT feel defeated, not necessarily encouraged, but not as if I've completely lost the game either.
A Wild Weekend
Wild may be the wrong word to describe my weekend. Everything I did was definitely last-minute. But maybe not exactly wild.
On Wednesday I called our church to check and see if someone would be there Friday morning so I could drop off all of the food for theoncession stand" for our sport's themed VBS after a Sam's run. The new secretary answered and said that she would be there. She then asked if I had a busy weekend planned and if I would like to go to Women of Faith in St. Louis. At the conference last year she had won the grand prize consisting of 4 tickets to this years conference plus 2 hotel rooms for 2 nights. And someone JUST canceled on her. Hmmmm.... do I want to go to a conference that I've enjoyed going to in the past where the speakers are funny and the music is uplifting, where I've always gone home feeling encouraged about my life for FREE? YES, I think that is something that would be good for me right now! It wasn't too hard to work out the details of leaving for the weekend since we didn't have any major plans and would be back just in time for a Father's Day cookout.
The fun thing about our trip was that it was the Grand Prize, so there were a few cool things about it- great seats and a fancy hotel for 2 nights.
Our seats were on the floor, in the front row! Even the usher was excited for us as she led the way. We were about 3 steps from the stage. Lisa Welchel (Blaire from Facts of Life) was right across the aisle from us. It was so fun to have such great seats. It was so different from the "nose bleed" seats we had the first time I ever went to W of F back in 2000 in Oklahoma City.
I am used to staying in Comfort Inns, so the Renaissance Grand was pretty nice in comparison. We had a big bathroom, comfy beds, and a bell hop. But the really great thing about it was that the prize included 2 nights. What a relief to not have to rush out of the conference and drive 2 hours home. Instead we took our time leaving and met some friends for dinner at Union Station.
Maybe this is the part of the story where it becomes wild. But again, maybe wild is the wrong word. After dinner one of the ladies in our group (who I had just met the day before) and I took a cab to Fox Theater and saw Willie Nelson!!!
She had seen earlier in the paper that he was playing that night and expressed how she really wanted to go. I had never been to the Fox before and grew up listening to Willie so I untrue to my character it didn't take much convincing to get me to say yes to this last minute and rather expensive adventure. Why did I say yes? Maybe its because he's an American icon and I probably won't get an opportunity to see him again. Maybe it seemed like a fun ending to a good weekend. Maybe I felt like I deserved to pamper myself a little. No matter the reason, we took a cab (my first time for that too) and ended up in the 12th row, center aisle! Willie has definitly aged and he seemed to speak some of his songs instead of sing them but can still play the guitar! It was so exciting to hear and see him play classics like "On the Road Again", "Mama, Don't let your Babies grow up to be Cowboys" and "Georgia on my mind". 
Maybe I'll post what I learned from the conference in a later post instead of going on and on about good seats and country music.
The Good Stuff
Jake and I recently celebrated our 9th anniversary on May 29th. We decided to do our date about a hour from home because we had a gift card to Biaggi's (and we don't have one here in town). It was storming that night and although I think we missed driving in the worst of the rain, the streets were flooded by the time we got there. The roads were blocked off and police officers were helping people out of their cars. The street that we knew the resturant was on was flooded, but one quick phone call to my brother-in-law helped us to find Biaggi's without missing our reservation. After our nice Italian dinner (I had my first cannoli) we then went see Indiana Jones (romance at its finest). We both enjoyed it though we will admit that there were some dumb parts. I didn't care for part of the ending, personally...
Our anniversary assured me of two things:
1. I have been married for 9 years, therefore I CAN buy new skillets. I don't think teflon is suppose to last that long and I SHOULD replace them.
2. Although I am VERY sad, there is still some GOOD stuff in my life. I'm so thankful for Jake and Jonah and the family I DO have. And those are the BIG things. But there are little things too, little things that seem unimportant but make you smile and think "I'm going to be okay"
Here's some of my "little" things from the past few days/weeks:
my husband is willing to take the bus so I won't be stranded without a car (because our van is STILL in the shop, oh minivan, how I miss thee)
my mom called with leftovers that just happened to of just came off the grill, that she wrapped up so we could take them "to go" so we could eat with friends
two friends, who are lots better at the couponing business than I am, called me at the same time to tell me NOT to go to Kmart because the "make-up" deal was NOT working
my small group can consume a whole pan of "Gail's Coffeecake" straight from the oven (with good reason, maybe I will post this recipe soon)
I got 7 boxes of cereal at CVS this week for 1.57 out of pocket (yes!)
someone that I barely know from church called today and offered me a FREE ticket and hotel room to Women of Faith this weekend, I'm still working out the details but I would be crazy not to go
Jonah gives me a hug whenever I am sad
Jonah makes me not only watch shows from all 16 seasons of Power Rangers on YouTube but also Power Rangers shows in other languages as well as a show that is produced by Bandaii (I think), the same company that made Power Rangers
I'm almost to the end of Season Three of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and therefore ready to watch hers and Sully's wedding (!)
I taked to my neice Karly on the phone today- she can say my name!
today (this is sort of a big thing)I received a check from another concerned Arkansas friend, I'm knee deep in medical bills and SO tired of dealing with it but it makes me feel good that our friends are concerned about our finances
That's some of my "Good Stuff" for the week, that made me think I CAN get through this summer! What's your Good Stuff?
Threads of Hope Part 2 (Questions and Answers)
I finally went to my first bible study called Threads of Hope (for those who suffered a loss of an infant). First of all I want to say that my leader, Eileen, is wonderful. She surprised me with her insite, she is obviously very experienced in meeting with women who have gone through situations similiar to my own. What I appreciated the most about our first meeting was her ability to ask the "right" questions. Not only did my answers help her to see where I was at with my grief but they also revealed to me a little about what I need. Here are some of her questions and parts of my answers:
1. Did you hold your baby?
Yes, we both did.
How did it make you feel?
SAD!
Are you glad that you did?
Definitly. I'm so thankful that we didn't give up our one chance to hold her in this lifetime.
2. Have you held any newborns since then and how did you feel?
Yes, I have held both my friend's baby and my neice. I've held my friend Sarah's baby several times and feel different each time. Most of the time I just feel helpful and thankful that I get to enjoy a baby for a short while but other times its a painful reminder of what I lost and that statically most women will carry their babies to term and have a baby to bring home at the end. When I held my neice it made me sad that she wouldn't grow up with my baby, that they wouldn't be these great cousin-friends. That doesn't mean that I think I should stop holding babies, it just means that it makes me sad (but going to Wal-mart makes me sad so why shouldn't a baby???).
3. Have you had many days that you don't want to get out of bed?
Sure, but that feeling doesn't last long. I wake up everyday and am reminded of what happened. But staying in bed only makes me more depressed and it also makes my 5 year old very impatient.
4. Do you have days that you just want to stay home?
Sure, I hid out for a good month, up until we took our trip to Florida. There are a lot less painful reminders at home- no baby sections, pregnant women or women five years younger than me with 4 kids. But most days I'm up for "risking it" rather than staying home all day. Actually, our van is in the shop this week (maybe the fuel pump is what Jake says) so we've been jungling one car this week. I found myself feeling frustrated not relieved to have an excuse to stay home.
5. Do people ask too many questions?
No! They don't ask enough. This really happened to me, this huge tragic thing. Its my story and I want to share it. I want to share my journey through it. Its helpful and healing to me. Its frustrating when I know people are scared to ask and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable so instead, nothing is said.
6. If you get pregnant again will you be a nervous wreck the whole time?
Ummm, YES! I'm scared to even think about it. I was a nervous wreck with Norah so I'm sure it would be amplified.
SNAP
We found this snapping turtle under our deck after ONE of our recent storms. He wasn't interested in our weeds and his visit was short lived because when we returned from having a s'more at a neighbor's house he had left (without even a goodbye).
The decision
The reason that I haven't been blogging lately doesn't have anything to do with indecisiveness concerning my blog or the idea of forming a new blog. Everyone helped me to decide right away to keep one random thought blog. I think I've just been busy doing some couponing and maybe feeling a little unfocused. But I really appreciate every one's willingness to read my sad and repetitive posts as we continue to grieve and process our loss.
An update on what we're thinking and going through:
Jonah is talking a LOT more about it. He asks about Norah and talks a little like he doesn't understand that she won't be coming to our house. There isn't a lot of sadness, just some matter-of-factness. Then he promptly morphs into his Power Ranger of choice. It adds to our saddness when he brings it up but we are glad that he feels like he CAN bring it up instead of it becoming this deep dark pain that we avoid for the next 50 years.
There is nothing new with the medical aspect, meaning we still have no clue why this happened to us. I have one more appointment, its with the specialist that helped us to get pregnant. I'm not being too hopeful that he will tell us anything different than the other doctors have.
Jake and I are still both pretty sad. Weekdays have been tough for Jake when he has to try and focus on work where weekends are harder for me because they tend not to be has scheduled as during the week. Lately I find myself really frustrated with the fact that I am no longer pregnant, yet should be. I can't help it- whether I'm running with my small group though the rain to find shelter from a possible tornado or following J through our local zoo I'm thinking "I should be pregnant right now."
I'm also feeling the need to know "what is next?" while Jake is certianly feeling like we shouldn't make any decisions right now (which is what our conselor says). I like to plan and not having one is driving me crazy! I've tried to be content with being planless for the past 3 months and that's about all I can take. I'm ready for adoption info and stats on our chances of this happening again. I'm ready to secure some sort of job for the fall. I'm ready to do something! We're choosing to "chill" a little longer and pray a lot more, but its hard. I'm a women of action, so until we are up to big decisions I'll guess I'll stick to the little ones like what color to paint the spare room or if we should join the neighborhood pool.