In Need of an Analogy

Often I feel so sad I might describe it as "my heart being slowing ripped from my chest." Or I might feel so shocked or depressed that I feel "like I was hit by a bus." But lately I've been very frustrated. But as frustrated as what? Like I could spit nails? I think that is usually used to describe anger and spitting nails? I have trouble imagining it so I don't think I can validate using it to describe my feelings!

Even though I can't think of the right analogy, I can explain the reasons why I've been frustrated:
1. People keep asking what my plans are for the summer.

Hmmmm...well, I didn't think I could travel so we definitely don't have any trips planned. I thought I might be digging out the baby stuff and putting a bedroom together- so there goes my "home improvement plans." My plans? Well, today I feel like I was hit by a truck and tomorrow I'll probably feel as if my heart is being ripped out so, surviving? Is that an appropriate response? I have a goal to NOT cry more and more as August 5th approaches and to somehow be a little bit of a fun Mommy so J doesn't beg to go to Kindergarten summer school just so he can get out of our depressing house!

2. Money Lost.

Ugh. There are bills, bills and more bills. Over three years of treatments and meds not to mention what we racked up in our two day emergency. And the endless amounts spent on gas to go to out of town appointments. My mother-in-law just reminded me how expensive gravestones are. Ugh again. I was suppose to be buying cute little girl stuff this summer, NOT, of all things, a gravestone.

3. Time Lost.

I didn't feel well for a least a year before I got pregnant due to fertility meds. I spent many evenings on the couch. And that only increased when I got pregnant. I felt well very few days out of the whole five months. It makes me so mad to think of the days I slept on the couch while J watch an extra hour of TV. And all of the times I was on some kind of restricted movement or bedrest. J still questions when I lift him at the playground "you can lift me, Mommy?", since I hadn't been able to for half a year. Most people have morning sickness or go on bedrest and come out with a baby at the end, I however, did not.

But they say that you can't win the prize if you didn't run the race, right? We're just not guaranteed a place in the winners circle.