Deja Vu

Laying on the x-ray table today reminded me of a couple weeks ago when I was standing in my kitchen and the repair man took one look inside my oven and said "you have a burned out heating element." Only this time it was the specialist talking about my cervix. After taking the first or second image he quickly informed me "you have an incompetent cervix."

"Is that why I lost the baby?" I asked, near tears.

"Yeah" he says.

"Are you positive?"

"I never say positive, that can get me into trouble but I'm so sure that I will suggest that you get pregnant again. And this is good news, I can fix that (meaning the incompetent cervix)."

If only it was as easy as signing check and giving the repair man the go ahead to fix the problem. If only this came with a guarantee.

How am I feeling? Tired and cramping from the meds and procedure. Relieved to FINALLY KNOW. But also wondering, do we? Does he really know what he is talking about? Sad and frustrated because it probably could have been prevented. Overwhelmed, but not without hope, about the decision that we have to make.

How would you feel about this information? What would you now do?


Lisa said...

I am so sorry that you have to continuely deal with this up and down roller coaster. I will be praying for you. At least you are getting some answers. And remember you can take your time to make decisions, it doesnt have to be decided today.

Sara said...

It's definitely hard to say what I would do, because I can't feel all the emotions you do at this point. But it seems to be what you've been looking for--an answer! And it may not be all the answers, but it is a start. Unfortunately, this answer does bring up more questions. I hope you are feeling more encouragement than discouragement. Still praying here.

j said...

I am happy that you got an answer today, but I also know that brings many more difficult questions. I would encourage you to list out all those questions/thoughts that go through your mind and discuss them with the doctor. I will be keeping you in my prayers as you and Jake discuss your options. With time and lots of prayer, I think you will be able to sort through everything and make some decisions. Please know that we are praying for you.


Shelly said...

I'm just happy that you got SOME sort of an answer. Yes, it brings up more questions, but like Sara said, this is a start-and a start that we all wanted for you.

Pray, pray, pray and take your time making whatever decision you make. We'll be praying and loving you in the meantime.

P.S. This is totally off the subject but Steve and I were reading your blog and he said, pointing to Jonah's picture "That's one good lookin' kid. He's got honest eyes and I love that." :) Thought that might make you smile.

Love ya girl!

Claudia said...

As usual, when faced with the enormity and seriousness of life, i want to make jokes. Like, "what is an incompetent cervix?? it doesn't show up for work? can't pay it's cable bill on time?" seriously, what is it?
and, you set me up on your blog a bit. i mean, if that man had told i could get pregnant and he could fix that, I'd have kicked him in the head. If I could have beaten my husband to it!
well, enough sick humor. sometimes, if you don't laugh you cry.
you're always in my prayers.

Sara said...

Claud, You make me cry!

Monkey Toes said...

I am praying for you and your cervix.:O) Some days I can't remember all the components of dressing myself, so I'm hardly qualified to give advice, but as I read your post (nice analogy btw), I just kept thinking of it in light of our trip to Guatemala last week. I just was thinking of how wonderful it is that Jonah has a sweet mom and dad that love him and care for him. That is a precious thing, your family. And I know God is going to use this experience for his glory. Beauty for Ashes. Hang in there!