The Last Straw (a post on processing)

Jonah knows that now that he is 5 he has to drink from cups like a big boy, only straws at resturants. But this morning he tried to get away with it and I had a complete breakdown. I was thinking, I don't care about straws, I just want my baby back. That led me to believe that the shock is wearing off. That I likely will not say that I'm okay when someone asks (just a warning). Things are starting to get processed and I'm begining to wonder:
1. Why did this freak thing that never happens, happen to me?

2. What am I going to do come August when J goes to school? I'm a stay-at-home mom, that means I'm suppose to have kids to stay at home with. AND will I have to change the name of my blog? I definitly couldn't handle that...

3. How am I'm going to "do life"? I was staring at the sauce packets at Wal-mart today when my Wed. night co-teacher called and said he was bringing me dinner tomorrow night. That is good I thought, because all I have in my cart is a jar of artichokes, a carton of sour cream and a thing of cinnamon. My family is going to starve, or have some interesting meals if I don't figure out how to shop soon (Friends have brought by a few meals this week, which has be wonderful, so please don't think we are really going to starve!).

4. And of course, the question that has been plaguing me since 2004, will I ever have another child???

I think it goes without saying that my posts have gone from funny J stories to sad updates to sticky emotional vomit. So don't feel like you have to keep reading them (there is always my hubbie's Linux posts if you want something a lot less emotional (and interesting) to read).

7 comments:

Sarah Anne said...

Thank you for being open, honest and posting how you are really doing. I know it's not/has not been easy to talk about and I'm sure it will not ever be easy to talk about. Know that I'll be reading your posts, checking them daily, to check up on you.

When you are ready for company, let me know- I can pass the kids off to Chadwick and we can meet for dessert, coffee (tea?), shopping, or go and sit and stare at a movie screen. No questions asked! :<)

Love you, Jen!

Shelly said...

I'm glad to read your open, honest and true to heart blogs. They are so real and that's what makes you you! We'll get you through this, I promise. Keep blogging and call me anytime!! Love and prayers!

Sara said...

You are not supposed to be okay. What happened to you was not okay! We are praying for you in this processing process and are glad you can blog about how you really are!

Also please note: I have breakdowns about things like straws on a regular basis. You are not crazy.

Brooke said...

I think it is great that you continue to post your feelings and it must help to vent. If it makes you feel better, you have helped me by realizing that other people fuss about librarians (sorry to any of you that may be a librarian and read this post) and that feeling of sending a child to 'real' school. I often wonder what I will do with myself, but maybe you can help in the school since majority of schools would LOVE a parent volunteer. You will find your place, but it will take some transitioning. Maybe it isn't as hard on the children going off to kindergarten as it is the parents. You are going to be emotional and know that we all support you. We will laugh, cry, and scream with you along the way:)

a moore said...

For real, Jenn, there is something about wal-mart. Each time we've gone back to the states it takes at least 2 weeks before I can walk into a wal-mart without feeling like I'm going to loose it. And that's just a culture shock bump in the road, that's nothing like the mountain you're walking right now.

I'm sorry friend that you have to walk this, but do keep walking.

And, for the record, Librarians make everyone feel like they are trespassing on their personal holy ground.

Holly said...

eeh, we don't care if the bulk of your posts are sad. it's certainly part of the healing process and writing your pain is certainly healthy.

Holly said...

p.s. I have been thinking about you and August in light of some conversation we had while you were here.

And you are such a great Mom, meant to stay home raising kids.

I don't get it either.

I have faith that one day you will.