Just Like That

On Sunday I was briefly explaining to a lady(and it wouldn't be brief to try and explain WHY I was explaining this to her) why I ended my infertility treatments. Her response was, "just like that? You're giving that up?"

Just like that??? Giving up??? I think my mouth hung open just a little longer than was necessary but, what? I'm sorry, but after 4 years of drugs, surgeries, heartache, procedures, and the loss of 2 babies, I don't think there is anything "just" about it.

Wednesday I had traveled one last time to the Infertility Clinic and met with the specialist. He was disappointed that my recent IVF cycle was canceled and was not encouraged by it.

"Are all of my eggs bad?" I had to ask. "Yeah" he replied.

Now, that is something to hurl a women like me back into the debts of despair! What a feeling a hopeless that overwhelmed me when he regrettably told me that my child bearing days are most likely over. Honestly, it has felt like losing the baby all over again.

He did suggest that we try donor eggs. I feel like I must say donor eggs slowly, in a hushed tone, and with one hand cupped to the side of my mouth: do-n-o-r eggs (shhh). But we already decided that we are knocking off the hoopla after this last attempt and are therefore done.

My poor, poor specialist. He hung his head and proclaimed that he had failed at his job.

Its makes me want to try do-n-o-r eggs, one time, just for him.

He did perk up, however, when I asked about birth control. Birth control is an old fashioned way of dealing with hormonal issues and the fact that I was on it after we got married is likely what allowed me to conceive so easily with Jonah. You simply use it for a few months, pray for a high enough hormonal boost and then go off it for a month and try. It is not something that you put a lot of hope into, but it is inexpensive and non-evasive (and worth a try).

I also have been talking to my cousin about an unconventional, all natural diagnostic and treatment method. I'm waiting for some more information from her. But the facilitator for this method is on the other side of the world and my husband is not quite convinced that this is "for real". Again, worth a try but not something I'm putting a lot of hope into.

Do I have any hope right now? I'm not sure, but its really hard to close this door. Its difficult to call it quits after 4 years of trying and never reaching our goal. I'm excited about the prospect of adoption but am having trouble switching gears. Procrastination is not something I normally practice, so why can't I fill out the paper work?

I think once it settles in that this is where my hope needs to be, then I will be my normal, task oriented self and "git 'er done" as my husband says in true Arkansas fashion. Until then, I'm going to be thankful that I snagged some leftover premium dark chocolate from Trunk-or-treating last night to help get me through...