Christmas Spirit

Recently my inbox as been full of Christmas details, questions, and lists. My phone has been ringing with family members calling for similar reasons. Blogs already are full of Christmas idea posts. Amazon is constantly reminding of their "super saver shipping" deal.

Normally I feel energized by this pre-Thanksgiving gift buying rush. My goal for years has been to not buy a single gift in December. I haven't actually met this goal yet, but I have been pretty close. I love the idea of having my gifts bought (or at least most of them) before December 1st and therefore having plenty of time for Christmas projects with Jonah. The busy December schedule normally doesn't stress me out because I'm not rushing around buying gifts.

So my December 1st deadline is only 9 days away and find myself with only several gift bags full of CVS bargains(does anyone really want those?) and the 2 gifts that I bought for Jonah yesterday. So fine, I'm behind on my gift shopping. I don't really have an excuse, I just am. But the part that is bothering me is that I keep forgetting that I have to buy presents! I think I think that I already have it taken care of, maybe that I have had a plan in place for months. But that just isn't true! And when I realize that I haven't started my shopping I just don't really care that much.

I understand that my heart hasn't quite mended yet from losing our baby and knowing that I am not able to have any more, but apparantly my mind isn't working either.
My sister-in-law said I that I am normal now (though I KNOW she is almost done with her shopping she just isn't admitting it to make me feel better) and my husband said "welcome to the rest of the world." I'm not sure how I feel about those statements. A small part of me screams "NO!". I want to be my old over-planning self, I want her back, I want to care about little details again, I want to care about them so far in advance that my I drive my husband crazy.

My friend Sarah said that I could be like that again if I wanted to. If I really wanted to get something done in my old self ways, then I would.

Maybe that is it. Maybe I just care less about things that don't really matter because I found out this year what matters. Life. Death. Friends. Family.

Now that I have that figured out I'm going to go slap some gift tags on the 15 tubes of toothpaste I have stockpiled and call it good (right after I place a big Amazon order).


Brooke said...

My heart goes out to you during this time. Do what you can, but don't push yourself too much. You have to give yourself a break as well and know that it is okay to be heartbroken. Pick out some fun projects to do with Jonah and I think you will find that will be good therapy for you and fun for him. Take care!

pastorwick said...

Toothpaste may very well be the gift of choice at our White Elephant gift party. You've got a gold mine. :)

Shelly said...

Jenn, your last line cracked me up! :)

I'm with Brooke-take your time and do what you want or what you feel like, in your time. Christmas will still be Christmas, no matter what happens. Just take your time and try to enjoy it, despite everything.

Though on a differnt level, I feel like I can totally relate to how you feel, as far as finding out what really matters in life. Apparently God feels we need those life lessons. I just wish He'd let us in on WHY we have to learn them in the first place!

Hang in there my sweet friend.

Love you!