On Sunday I was briefly explaining to a lady(and it wouldn't be brief to try and explain WHY I was explaining this to her) why I ended my infertility treatments. Her response was, "just like that? You're giving that up?"
Just like that??? Giving up??? I think my mouth hung open just a little longer than was necessary but, what? I'm sorry, but after 4 years of drugs, surgeries, heartache, procedures, and the loss of 2 babies, I don't think there is anything "just" about it.
Wednesday I had traveled one last time to the Infertility Clinic and met with the specialist. He was disappointed that my recent IVF cycle was canceled and was not encouraged by it.
"Are all of my eggs bad?" I had to ask. "Yeah" he replied.
Now, that is something to hurl a women like me back into the debts of despair! What a feeling a hopeless that overwhelmed me when he regrettably told me that my child bearing days are most likely over. Honestly, it has felt like losing the baby all over again.
He did suggest that we try donor eggs. I feel like I must say donor eggs slowly, in a hushed tone, and with one hand cupped to the side of my mouth: do-n-o-r eggs (shhh). But we already decided that we are knocking off the hoopla after this last attempt and are therefore done.
My poor, poor specialist. He hung his head and proclaimed that he had failed at his job.
Its makes me want to try do-n-o-r eggs, one time, just for him.
He did perk up, however, when I asked about birth control. Birth control is an old fashioned way of dealing with hormonal issues and the fact that I was on it after we got married is likely what allowed me to conceive so easily with Jonah. You simply use it for a few months, pray for a high enough hormonal boost and then go off it for a month and try. It is not something that you put a lot of hope into, but it is inexpensive and non-evasive (and worth a try).
I also have been talking to my cousin about an unconventional, all natural diagnostic and treatment method. I'm waiting for some more information from her. But the facilitator for this method is on the other side of the world and my husband is not quite convinced that this is "for real". Again, worth a try but not something I'm putting a lot of hope into.
Do I have any hope right now? I'm not sure, but its really hard to close this door. Its difficult to call it quits after 4 years of trying and never reaching our goal. I'm excited about the prospect of adoption but am having trouble switching gears. Procrastination is not something I normally practice, so why can't I fill out the paper work?
I think once it settles in that this is where my hope needs to be, then I will be my normal, task oriented self and "git 'er done" as my husband says in true Arkansas fashion. Until then, I'm going to be thankful that I snagged some leftover premium dark chocolate from Trunk-or-treating last night to help get me through...
Just Like That
My little coupon clipper
Jonah went with me to work some "sweet deals" at CVS on Sunday. He was so excited to get to pick out everything. He even clipped some of the coupons. Coupons are actually encouraging him to try harder at cutting. His fine motor skills are improving because of couponing. So you can stop making fun of me, I do this for my son's education!
Now that I'm done telling lies (but really, it is helping him cut), check out everything we got for free. Jonah even picked up a coloring sheet for a Halloween Coloring Contest (and he is even trying to color inside the lines, really, CVS is teaching him more than school...).
Sadly, the Halloween stuff is no longer free, but there is still mouthwash and toothpaste to be had (unless you go to the 2 in my town, my friends and I already cleaned them out, but maybe they restocked...). And free Sobe water too, don't forget that!
Go here to check out the rest of the deals at CVS this week. Bring your kid, its educational (sorry, couldn't help it)!
Kindergarten Ultimatum
I will admit that I've been a little self-centered lately and have failed to update on the wonderful world of kindergarten.
Jonah loves it. Loves it. He looks forward to going everyday, insists on wearing his school t-shirt on spirit days, and usually has many stories to tell.
He likes lunch and math. He is doing great at the whole language reading program that the school uses. He doesn't even complain about nap time too much. He looks forward to gym class days.
He doesn't, however, like holding a pencil and really isn't very interested in learning to write all of the letters correctly. But he is trying and is slowly becoming a little more excited about it. His fine motor skills have improved a lot since school has started.
I was feeling pretty good about his progress until we got a letter about the newest ultimatum in his class: adults are not going to help tie shoes after Halloween. Jonah said that was just for at school. I assured him that his teacher meant at home too (let her be the bad guy, right?). I knew he wouldn't learn if I tied them for him at home.
Now he is both looking forward to and dreading Halloween. We've been making bunny ears every morning with little progress. Any ideas, besides velcro, of course?
Chickened Out
Here is a picture of my new haircut!
Here is a picture of the parking ticket that I got while I was getting my haircut, my first ticket of any kind, ever.
Since I am a chicken, I did not go blond. And since I went to the beauty college where I always go and it took 3 hours, I got a parking ticket.
I did however tell both my beautician in training and her teacher that my husband dared me to do something dramatic. I told them that I must win. I was hoping for a short sassy cut. Instead I got a pretty plain cut and some Halloween style red streaks:
Jake took one look at the red(from across the room), and said "you win". Yea.
Although my new do is cracking me up it did earn my hairdresser trainee some points, her teacher was disappointed that they did not take a before picture. I wonder what I looked like before! And, they are going to use the 7 inches that they first hacked off (and I do mean hack) to use for color swatches.
I'm not loving it but it is fun and even WITH the parking ticket- the whole shampoo, cut, color and style only cost $25 (but did I say it took 3 hours?)!
317 area code
All day today I was dreading a call with a 317 area code. I knew it would be bad news. I knew it would be the lab telling me there was nothing to transfer. Unfortunately that call came about an hour ago. My one little egg refused to divide and conquer like it was suppose to.
My main feeling right now is annoyance. I had everything taken care of- picked up medicine, bought easy foods for the next few days, had a place to stay tonight in Indy and my mother-in-law is on her way to help. I think that my annoyance will soon change into something else- anger, sadness, and my personal favorite (not really) the feeling of "this is not fair."
In the mean time, I want to do things that aren't really good for me like drink lots of caffeine and something really "out there". Maybe its finally time to "go blond!"
Cheap Eggs
On Friday I was cruising down the frozen foods aisle at Kroger when over the load speaker came an announcement "One dozen Extra Large Eggs for 29 cents". I, of course, turned around and picked up 2 dozen (even though their sell by day was up, I had almost a full carton at home, and I'm the only one who eats eggs). I did not buy 10 dozen like this old guy suggested. He in fact DID buy 10 dozen and was going to take them home, hard boil them, and give them to EVERYBODY.
I was telling Jake that evening about the extra large eggs and he got confused and thought I was talking about MY eggs. That was an understandable mistake since we were preparing for invitro.
Oh how I wish I had a dozen eggs. Its a little awkward to write about my eggs as opposed to the eggs that I got a "sweet deal" on at Kroger. It reminds of sitting around at small group almost a year and discussing what makes a good blog. Someone mentioned that angst, trials and mishaps are much more interesting than cute kid stories. I teased and said "oh I should post about how I just got my eggs harvested". The guys looked uncomfortable and said they would read that post, they just wouldn't comment on it.
So here I am, posting how I did in fact get my eggs "harvested" (I prefer to say retrieved) yesterday. Sadly, they did not get a dozen, they weren't extra large, and there were only three of them.
After the retrieval there are a few more steps before implantation can actually occur. First, the eggs have to be fertilized. I knew something was wrong when I didn't get a call early this morning from the lab telling me how many were fertilized. Instead the call came around 8:30 that only one of the eggs were showing sign of fertilization. There is a chance that the other two will show signs later this afternoon, but it is unlikely.
The next step is that this little fertilized egg needs to duplicate its cells a few times and become an embryo. If that happens, I will return in a day or two for the last step in this long process, implantation. I should receive a call later this afternoon with more details.
I was feeling discouraged this morning when the call didn't come and it assured me that even though I'm scared to be pregnant again, I do want the chance. But, I've been reminding myself, if we don't get that chance then we are finally prepared to move on to Plan B (adoption!).
There, another angsty, trial filled blog post that according to the guys in my small group should get me lots of readers but not a lot of comments!
