"I want to splash at the beach"

The title of this post is a quote from Jonah who helped us decide our vacation destination. Thanks to everyone who gave us some great ideas, they all sounds nice and relaxing to me, but really I was having trouble making a decision and Jake was vetoing everything. But then Jonah put in his two cents which reminded Jake to remind me that his uncle did have a condo close to the beach in Florida.

Free lodging along with Jonah's request helped us to put our vacation location search to an end. So we are off in just a little more than a week to enjoy a relaxing week at the beach and I even think I talked Jake into doing something the typical tourist might do- visit Busch Gardens (he still couldn't be talked into Disney World). Now that our lodging is taken care of we are still trying to decide if we are going to fly or drive (even the travel agent suggested we drive because flights to Florida are high right now). But checking out rates and so forth is keeping me busy for the time being, which has been good for me. But I'm thinking a little sun and sand might even be better!

80's radio

So my link on my previous blog doesn't appear to be playing the Bangles every time...sorry, if you want to hear it YOU will probably be more capable at finding it than I am. Maybe you can even leave a link in a comment for all of those who are way sad...

Grief Counseling and Krogering

Last night we went to our first grief counseling session. We did not know this counselor previously, Jake set it up through his work. It turns that the lady we saw had an experience similar to ours, so she could relate. Which I thought at first might be nice, but she ended up being emotional along with us and said that she still wasn't "over" the fact that she couldn't have more than one child (even though it had been thirty years). Hmmmmm...not what I really wanted to hear at my counseling appointment. Maybe she was just being realistic, but it didn't make me feel very hopeful! But she did give us a little bit of helpful advice about dealing with grief on a daily basis and said that I wasn't showing any signs of postpartum or clinical depression.

Taking my counselor's adivce of staying busy, I ran to Krogers today because even in my current state of saddness I still have trouble passing up a Mega 10 deal at my favorite store for getting grocery bargains. I did my shopping, got my 10 items and didn't have a nervous breakdown of any sort, even when I passed the baby food. The real therapy came when I was picking up some pretzels and "Manic Monday" by the Bangles, one of my favorite 80's songs, came on.

Try this out, maybe it will make your day too(beware, if you're not familar with this song that there is a not very nice part in it that I probably didn't understand back in the fifth grade...)!

One week

Today is the first of many anniversaries of our little baby's death. It doesn't seem like its already been a week. Is that good because time isn't crawling by? Or bad because it still seems like it JUST happened? I'm not sure, but yesterday was a lot more difficult than today.

We have received lots of cards, flowers, gifts, meals, and words of wisdom over this last week. Today alone I found 8 cards in the mail box, one which included a check from a group of friends in Arkansas to help meet any needs that we might have, I'm not sure about hospital bills yet but Disney World might be a more immediate need... Another revealed that a donation was being made to St. Jude in Norah's honor. On my porch was another box from FTD with the cutest flowering trio inside, complete with a pot set (it didn't say it who it was from, so fess up). I also received a call that meals were going to be brought to my house for most of the next two weeks. Which is wonderful since I've already failed at Wal-mart. I'm not sure if it was planned for us to get all of these things today, but it was perfect timing! Thanks all!

I have gotten lots of calls (and emails and blog comments), some with words of wisdom and some who just listen to me babble (some with both, all are GREAT). Here are just a couple that I have taken to heart:

"You may want to plan everything, but you CAN'T plan your grief."-Brooke (So true, and I know now that I am wasting my time if I try)

"You are not suppose to be okay, what happened to you is NOT okay"- Sara (very simple, but it reminds me that melting down is normal in this abnormal situation).

The Last Straw (a post on processing)

Jonah knows that now that he is 5 he has to drink from cups like a big boy, only straws at resturants. But this morning he tried to get away with it and I had a complete breakdown. I was thinking, I don't care about straws, I just want my baby back. That led me to believe that the shock is wearing off. That I likely will not say that I'm okay when someone asks (just a warning). Things are starting to get processed and I'm begining to wonder:
1. Why did this freak thing that never happens, happen to me?

2. What am I going to do come August when J goes to school? I'm a stay-at-home mom, that means I'm suppose to have kids to stay at home with. AND will I have to change the name of my blog? I definitly couldn't handle that...

3. How am I'm going to "do life"? I was staring at the sauce packets at Wal-mart today when my Wed. night co-teacher called and said he was bringing me dinner tomorrow night. That is good I thought, because all I have in my cart is a jar of artichokes, a carton of sour cream and a thing of cinnamon. My family is going to starve, or have some interesting meals if I don't figure out how to shop soon (Friends have brought by a few meals this week, which has be wonderful, so please don't think we are really going to starve!).

4. And of course, the question that has been plaguing me since 2004, will I ever have another child???

I think it goes without saying that my posts have gone from funny J stories to sad updates to sticky emotional vomit. So don't feel like you have to keep reading them (there is always my hubbie's Linux posts if you want something a lot less emotional (and interesting) to read).

Librarian induced meltdown

So today I took Jonah to pre-school because I'm determined to keep him on some sort of schedule. But then I had this time on my hands and ended up at the library. I thought it might be good to pick up a book or two since I'm suppose to be taking it easy and I'm running out of episodes of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I soon found out that I had a $12.65 fine for a Veggie Tale video that I forgot to return. I just can't believe that in the midst of my life crashing down that I forgot to return The Minnesota Cuke. Please. I paid that fine with only a few sniffles but then she proceeded to spell out carefully to me when my books are due, so this doesn't happen again. Come on, I am a responsible homemaker who gets embarassed over things like over due library books. So I therefore apologize to my mother-in-law and grandparents who are probably reading this, but really I couldn't help but think of a few things the librarian could do with that particular video. It was really everything I could do not to have a melt down. But then I got home after picking up Jonah and had FTD flowers from SE Asia on my front porch so I felt better. Thanks Jon and Amanda-you just saved a innocent librarian from my (equally innocent and non-harmful) wrath.