Tales of A Stay-At-Home Mom

200th post

2008-12-02T13:08:00.002-06:00

This is my 200th post on blogger, and my last. I didn't mean for my 200th to be my last one, it just happened that way.

I've "moved" to wordpress. I like blogger, its treated me well but I wanted to change my blog and my husband has been raving about wordpress (and pestering me to switch over), so it seemed like a good time to do both: move and get a new look.

And even though I (or Jake, as the case may be) imported all of my posts over to wordpress, I feel like I am starting over. Its a nice a feeling, I feel like have permission to change things a little. Not that I couldn't before nor do I have big plans for my new blog, because I don't. But I can't help but feel a little excited as I start anew (and confused, since I don't know my way around wordpress yet).

So visit me here and visit me often. Thanks for reading Tales of a Stay at Home Mom for the last 3 1/2 years!

Christmas Spirit

2008-11-21T09:56:00.002-06:00

Recently my inbox as been full of Christmas details, questions, and lists. My phone has been ringing with family members calling for similar reasons. Blogs already are full of Christmas idea posts. Amazon is constantly reminding of their "super saver shipping" deal.

Normally I feel energized by this pre-Thanksgiving gift buying rush. My goal for years has been to not buy a single gift in December. I haven't actually met this goal yet, but I have been pretty close. I love the idea of having my gifts bought (or at least most of them) before December 1st and therefore having plenty of time for Christmas projects with Jonah. The busy December schedule normally doesn't stress me out because I'm not rushing around buying gifts.

So my December 1st deadline is only 9 days away and find myself with only several gift bags full of CVS bargains(does anyone really want those?) and the 2 gifts that I bought for Jonah yesterday. So fine, I'm behind on my gift shopping. I don't really have an excuse, I just am. But the part that is bothering me is that I keep forgetting that I have to buy presents! I think I think that I already have it taken care of, maybe that I have had a plan in place for months. But that just isn't true! And when I realize that I haven't started my shopping I just don't really care that much.

I understand that my heart hasn't quite mended yet from losing our baby and knowing that I am not able to have any more, but apparantly my mind isn't working either.
My sister-in-law said I that I am normal now (though I KNOW she is almost done with her shopping she just isn't admitting it to make me feel better) and my husband said "welcome to the rest of the world." I'm not sure how I feel about those statements. A small part of me screams "NO!". I want to be my old over-planning self, I want her back, I want to care about little details again, I want to care about them so far in advance that my I drive my husband crazy.

My friend Sarah said that I could be like that again if I wanted to. If I really wanted to get something done in my old self ways, then I would.

Maybe that is it. Maybe I just care less about things that don't really matter because I found out this year what matters. Life. Death. Friends. Family.

Now that I have that figured out I'm going to go slap some gift tags on the 15 tubes of toothpaste I have stockpiled and call it good (right after I place a big Amazon order).

Hip Hip for a New Coupon Organizer

2008-11-12T11:51:00.006-06:00

It was time to make the move from an 8 year old dollar store cardboard organizer to a homemade "I'm serious about couponing" coupon organizer. Here is both my old one and my new and improved coupon binder:

I used 2 packages of baseball card holders and cut them done from 3 x 3 to 3 x 2. I then punched new holes and a put them in a small binder. Since my goal is to save money I tried to make my saving money tool as cheaply as possible. I already had this small binder, from college, along with some paper already cut and hole punched to fit it. I used the paper to form dividers between each section. My mom had one package of baseball card holders that she gave me (but she didn't give me the sports cards that were in it, so don't worry dear brothers)and I bought another package at Office Depot from $2.66. Since then I discovered that they have pacakges of 10 at my Dollar Tree for $1 (because its the dollar store!). The ones my mom had are the best quality but I couldn't seem to find any that sturdy. The ones from Office Depot and the dollar store are a little flimsy and I worry about the new holes I punched. My friends and I thought a little scotch tape or those little sticky circle reinforcers might help.

I love it! The binder has pockets for a calculator, pen and really big coupons. I also used single photo album pockets, hole punched them, and labeled one for each store I go to. I then put all of the coupons that I need for my next shopping trips to Walgreens, CVS, Kroger and Wal-mart in their own marked section.

The bad thing about my binder is this:

It sticks out quite a bit when I close it. I could cut it down to a 2 x 2 but I hate too. I'm afraid it would make the binder way too thick and therefore hard to turn the pages, stay closed, ect. It also is just a little big for a purse, even the new jumbo purse I upgraded to. But that was my big specification- it had to fit into a purse.

This binder is now worth more than my wallet! It has loaded giftcards in it to CVS and WAGS plus $18 in ECBs. You can cancel credit cards, but what do you do if someone still your drugstore "money"??? (Cry!)

I should have been an Environmental Science Major

2008-11-06T21:20:00.002-06:00

I have been working on this plan. A plan for my life for the time being. A plan that involves filing for adoption, volunteering at Jonah's school, and saving up for said adoption.

Unfortunately, to save up that means I probably need to do more than coupon. I really should get a job. But I don't want to. Instead I've decided that I'm going to try to substitute teach and maybe look for something in the school system. Maybe.

But then yesterday I subbed my first day in the district (I have subbed a couple of days at the Christian School).

The real question is if I never sub again do I have to get a real job? But honestly, Kroger is looking real good after my experience in this third grade classroom.

It reminded me a lot of when I was in High School and a few fellow classmates and I were talking to a sub. He was an Environmental Science major without a job, so he was subbing. And he was clueless. This is when I first realized that you didn't have to have a teaching degree to sub.

I feel like the third grade teacher was probably in her classroom for 5 minutes this morning and thought "that sub definitely doesn't have any teaching experience". Its not like they were bad or mean or even really disrespectful. They just couldn't stop talking. They just couldn't. It made me so sad because I was suppose to teach multiplication. I had a lot of math hours in college, it was my emphasis. But I was too busy telling everyone to stop talking and threatening nasty notes to their teacher to get too far.

The good thing for me, but maybe not really, is that I'm only signed up to sub at Jonah's school and they have 3 retired teachers who sub there often. They are the first to be called. I WAS trying to figure out how I can sub at other schools and still manage to avoid any type of before or after school care for Jonah. Right now I'm feeling unmotivated to pursue a plan such as that. Maybe I should instead explore getting another degree (maybe in the earth sciences). Or maybe I just give subbing another try (but I do I have to?).

Five Year Old's Views on Politics

2008-11-06T21:09:00.003-06:00

At Jonah's school on Tuesday the whole student body voted. They learned that they didn't have to tell anyone who they voted for, that they there were choices, and that there would be both a winner and a loser.

Jonah announced that he voted for Barak Obama.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because he was first on the paper."

His Kindergarten teacher then shared with me that she asked the class the following day what they had heard about the election. Most of them heard who had won.

"What do you know about Obama?"- Teacher

"I know a LOT."- a girl in Jonah's class

"What do you know?- teacher

"I heard he's a good dancer." - same girl

"I'm sad that Sarah Palin didn't win."- fellow kindergartener

"Hey, I think Sarah Palin rides my bus."- kindergarten bus rider

Couponing for the Good

2008-10-28T10:54:00.002-05:00

So I have quite the stash now of personal type items: 20 something bottles of shampoo, a dozen tubes of toothpaste, a stack of soap. It was time to make a donation!

I chose to make my first donation to Operation Santa, a Central Illinois group whose goal this year is to send 30,000 filled stockings to troops serving over seas. They are collecting trial size toiletries, gum, Crystal Light, and DVD's.

If you are like me and you have a stash of free stuff from many recent Walgreens and CVS runs, here's what works: single pack toothbrushes (I gave them ALL, but don't worry, we still have 3 double packs in the drawer in case there is a teeth brushing emergency), Biz Fizz and other energy shots, Soy Joy bars(and other power bars) and regular packs of razors (I think they open them). You can even get free (or almost free or make-a-little-money-on) razors at CVS this week by doing this deal, from Money Saving Mom:

Buy 1 Bic Comfort3 Advanced Shavers (4-pk) at $4.99, Get $4 ECBs (Limit 4)
Use $2/1 coupon from 9/14 or 10/12 Smart Source insert
Free plus $1 overage after coupon and ECBs
(I only had 3 coupons but still bought my limit of 4, so made I $2 and got 16 razors to donate!).

If you do live in Central Illinois the above link has drop off locations, the full list of items to donate, and even the pattern if you are willing to make stockings (but do it FAST, they are due soon).

If you don't live in Central Illinois (or you do but want to give to someplace else), don't forget that the deadline for Operation Christmas Child is coming up, most drop-off locations want boxes by November 17 because they must get them to the packing centers the week of November 17-24. Acceptable stash items: toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap (don't forget to put it in a baggie), and school supplies. We have been saving our duplicate unopened Happy Meal toys for our box too. And I plan on having Jonah pull out some candy from his Trick-or-Treating loot that will not melt on its trip over seas.

One other idea of where to donate items to is your local crisis pregnancy center. I've heard of lots of people donating to theirs and so I asked at ours, they take any kind of female, child, or baby type personal item, even make-up (I know I have quite the pile of mascara and foundation right now).

So go and do some good with your deals instead of letting them take over every closet and under the sink area like it has at my house!

Just Like That

2008-10-27T14:22:00.003-05:00

On Sunday I was briefly explaining to a lady(and it wouldn't be brief to try and explain WHY I was explaining this to her) why I ended my infertility treatments. Her response was, "just like that? You're giving that up?"

Just like that??? Giving up??? I think my mouth hung open just a little longer than was necessary but, what? I'm sorry, but after 4 years of drugs, surgeries, heartache, procedures, and the loss of 2 babies, I don't think there is anything "just" about it.

Wednesday I had traveled one last time to the Infertility Clinic and met with the specialist. He was disappointed that my recent IVF cycle was canceled and was not encouraged by it.

"Are all of my eggs bad?" I had to ask. "Yeah" he replied.

Now, that is something to hurl a women like me back into the debts of despair! What a feeling a hopeless that overwhelmed me when he regrettably told me that my child bearing days are most likely over. Honestly, it has felt like losing the baby all over again.

He did suggest that we try donor eggs. I feel like I must say donor eggs slowly, in a hushed tone, and with one hand cupped to the side of my mouth: do-n-o-r eggs (shhh). But we already decided that we are knocking off the hoopla after this last attempt and are therefore done.

My poor, poor specialist. He hung his head and proclaimed that he had failed at his job.

Its makes me want to try do-n-o-r eggs, one time, just for him.

He did perk up, however, when I asked about birth control. Birth control is an old fashioned way of dealing with hormonal issues and the fact that I was on it after we got married is likely what allowed me to conceive so easily with Jonah. You simply use it for a few months, pray for a high enough hormonal boost and then go off it for a month and try. It is not something that you put a lot of hope into, but it is inexpensive and non-evasive (and worth a try).

I also have been talking to my cousin about an unconventional, all natural diagnostic and treatment method. I'm waiting for some more information from her. But the facilitator for this method is on the other side of the world and my husband is not quite convinced that this is "for real". Again, worth a try but not something I'm putting a lot of hope into.

Do I have any hope right now? I'm not sure, but its really hard to close this door. Its difficult to call it quits after 4 years of trying and never reaching our goal. I'm excited about the prospect of adoption but am having trouble switching gears. Procrastination is not something I normally practice, so why can't I fill out the paper work?

I think once it settles in that this is where my hope needs to be, then I will be my normal, task oriented self and "git 'er done" as my husband says in true Arkansas fashion. Until then, I'm going to be thankful that I snagged some leftover premium dark chocolate from Trunk-or-treating last night to help get me through...

My little coupon clipper

2008-10-21T12:28:00.003-05:00

Jonah went with me to work some "sweet deals" at CVS on Sunday. He was so excited to get to pick out everything. He even clipped some of the coupons. Coupons are actually encouraging him to try harder at cutting. His fine motor skills are improving because of couponing. So you can stop making fun of me, I do this for my son's education!

Now that I'm done telling lies (but really, it is helping him cut), check out everything we got for free. Jonah even picked up a coloring sheet for a Halloween Coloring Contest (and he is even trying to color inside the lines, really, CVS is teaching him more than school...).

Sadly, the Halloween stuff is no longer free, but there is still mouthwash and toothpaste to be had (unless you go to the 2 in my town, my friends and I already cleaned them out, but maybe they restocked...). And free Sobe water too, don't forget that!

Go here to check out the rest of the deals at CVS this week. Bring your kid, its educational (sorry, couldn't help it)!

Kindergarten Ultimatum

2008-10-17T12:39:00.002-05:00

I will admit that I've been a little self-centered lately and have failed to update on the wonderful world of kindergarten.

Jonah loves it. Loves it. He looks forward to going everyday, insists on wearing his school t-shirt on spirit days, and usually has many stories to tell.

He likes lunch and math. He is doing great at the whole language reading program that the school uses. He doesn't even complain about nap time too much. He looks forward to gym class days.

He doesn't, however, like holding a pencil and really isn't very interested in learning to write all of the letters correctly. But he is trying and is slowly becoming a little more excited about it. His fine motor skills have improved a lot since school has started.

I was feeling pretty good about his progress until we got a letter about the newest ultimatum in his class: adults are not going to help tie shoes after Halloween. Jonah said that was just for at school. I assured him that his teacher meant at home too (let her be the bad guy, right?). I knew he wouldn't learn if I tied them for him at home.

Now he is both looking forward to and dreading Halloween. We've been making bunny ears every morning with little progress. Any ideas, besides velcro, of course?

Chickened Out

2008-10-17T12:21:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture of my new haircut!

Here is a picture of the parking ticket that I got while I was getting my haircut, my first ticket of any kind, ever.

Since I am a chicken, I did not go blond. And since I went to the beauty college where I always go and it took 3 hours, I got a parking ticket.

I did however tell both my beautician in training and her teacher that my husband dared me to do something dramatic. I told them that I must win. I was hoping for a short sassy cut. Instead I got a pretty plain cut and some Halloween style red streaks:

Jake took one look at the red(from across the room), and said "you win". Yea.

Although my new do is cracking me up it did earn my hairdresser trainee some points, her teacher was disappointed that they did not take a before picture. I wonder what I looked like before! And, they are going to use the 7 inches that they first hacked off (and I do mean hack) to use for color swatches.

I'm not loving it but it is fun and even WITH the parking ticket- the whole shampoo, cut, color and style only cost $25 (but did I say it took 3 hours?)!

317 area code

2008-10-15T13:46:00.002-05:00

All day today I was dreading a call with a 317 area code. I knew it would be bad news. I knew it would be the lab telling me there was nothing to transfer. Unfortunately that call came about an hour ago. My one little egg refused to divide and conquer like it was suppose to.

My main feeling right now is annoyance. I had everything taken care of- picked up medicine, bought easy foods for the next few days, had a place to stay tonight in Indy and my mother-in-law is on her way to help. I think that my annoyance will soon change into something else- anger, sadness, and my personal favorite (not really) the feeling of "this is not fair."

In the mean time, I want to do things that aren't really good for me like drink lots of caffeine and something really "out there". Maybe its finally time to "go blond!"

Cheap Eggs

2008-10-14T09:37:00.002-05:00

On Friday I was cruising down the frozen foods aisle at Kroger when over the load speaker came an announcement "One dozen Extra Large Eggs for 29 cents". I, of course, turned around and picked up 2 dozen (even though their sell by day was up, I had almost a full carton at home, and I'm the only one who eats eggs). I did not buy 10 dozen like this old guy suggested. He in fact DID buy 10 dozen and was going to take them home, hard boil them, and give them to EVERYBODY.

I was telling Jake that evening about the extra large eggs and he got confused and thought I was talking about MY eggs. That was an understandable mistake since we were preparing for invitro.

Oh how I wish I had a dozen eggs. Its a little awkward to write about my eggs as opposed to the eggs that I got a "sweet deal" on at Kroger. It reminds of sitting around at small group almost a year and discussing what makes a good blog. Someone mentioned that angst, trials and mishaps are much more interesting than cute kid stories. I teased and said "oh I should post about how I just got my eggs harvested". The guys looked uncomfortable and said they would read that post, they just wouldn't comment on it.

So here I am, posting how I did in fact get my eggs "harvested" (I prefer to say retrieved) yesterday. Sadly, they did not get a dozen, they weren't extra large, and there were only three of them.

After the retrieval there are a few more steps before implantation can actually occur. First, the eggs have to be fertilized. I knew something was wrong when I didn't get a call early this morning from the lab telling me how many were fertilized. Instead the call came around 8:30 that only one of the eggs were showing sign of fertilization. There is a chance that the other two will show signs later this afternoon, but it is unlikely.

The next step is that this little fertilized egg needs to duplicate its cells a few times and become an embryo. If that happens, I will return in a day or two for the last step in this long process, implantation. I should receive a call later this afternoon with more details.

I was feeling discouraged this morning when the call didn't come and it assured me that even though I'm scared to be pregnant again, I do want the chance. But, I've been reminding myself, if we don't get that chance then we are finally prepared to move on to Plan B (adoption!).

There, another angsty, trial filled blog post that according to the guys in my small group should get me lots of readers but not a lot of comments!

Disappointment

2008-10-07T21:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you daydream about parts of your life that you would like to improve. You might dream about a mate, a bigger house, an expensive vacation, or a better job.

I, of course, daydream about getting a baby. In my daydream I either find out that I'm already five months pregnant or someone, out of the blue of course, just offers to give us a baby.

The crazy thing is that the later almost happened (sort of). Two babies actually.

We had met on Monday with adoption agency #3. We had took a recommendation from a friend (we appreciate ALL of the recommendations that we have gotten) that this was a good program and went to hear more about it and get to know the social worker.

After outlining the program, answering our questions and talking about fees she asked us if our friend mentioned any specific children that were up for adoption. We said that yes, she had said that there were twins that needed adoptive parents.

The next (which is the same as the last) 24 hours were dreamlike. The social worker said that although we didn’t have any paper work in or a completed home study that if we got a portfolio together by the morning, she would show it to the birthmother. And she only had one other portfolio left to show her, which she felt it was likely that the birthmom would choose us over the other couple.

We just couldn’t make a decision last night. Not in one night. It was just too big. We decided to sleep on it and see what happened- maybe she wouldn’t pick the other couple and we would have time to put something together and think a little longer.

We were bought some time, so we thought. The birthmother ended up going to the hospital and although she was fine, she missed the meeting with the social worker. The social worker said that she would not meet again with her until Monday which left us to think we had until then to put a portfolio together (and decide if this is what we really wanted to do).

After making a few calls today to the social worker and insurance we had decided that we should at least “turn our names in” by putting together a portfolio with pictures and a letter about us. My girls in my small group helped me get a plan together tonight.

But we returned home from small group to find an e-mail from the social worker stating that the birthmother picked a couple from a portfolio that she had seen last week, a couple that she had said that she wasn’t going to pick.

We’re feeling a little disappointed right now, maybe a little relief, and are trying to get a little more excited about doing invitro again (which we would have pulled out of if the birthmom had picked us). I guess we’re back to where we started 24 hours ago, it was so crazy that its hard for me to believe that it actually happened, or COULD have happened.

Walgreens TakeCare Health Tour

2008-09-28T20:01:00.002-05:00

Since my husband has hereditary high cholesterol we try to get his tested every year. Due to a crazy year and the fact he hasn't liked our new family physician, he unfortunately is both behind on getting his checked and has run out of his medicine.

When I saw that the Walgreens TakeCare Health Tour was coming to the Walgreens just down the street I thought that was a great opportunity for him to get his cholesterol checked (and to put off finding him a new doctor a little longer).

First of all, the people running the red bus were very nice, they called us "the cute family" but I'm sure it was because they hadn't seen anyone under 50 all month. Second of all, they tested all of the following, free of charge:

* Total Cholesterol Levels
* Blood Pressure
* Bone Density
* Glucose Levels
* Waist Circumference
* Body Mass Index

You do not need to fast for these tests, but your results will be more accurate for the blood glucose level if you don't eat for two hour prior to the test.

And if you need a third reason to visit the TakeCare Tour, just check out what's in the goodie bag that you get when you are finished:

A serving size sample of Honey Nut Cheerios
a 1/2 cup serving of Fiber One cereal
2 samples of Carefree Liners
single doses of:
-Pepcid Complete
-Tylenol Extra Strength
-Tylenol Arthritis Pain

Coupons for:
$1 off Pepcid Complete
$1 off any St. Joseph product
$1 off any Tylenol Extra Strength
$1 off any Benadryl Product
$1 off any Carefree Product
.75 cents off Fiber One
$1 off Honey Nut Cheerios
$10 off any Nicorette Gum

To see if a tour is coming near you, check out Walgreens.com.

Cruise Control, Sonic, and IVF

2008-09-27T09:27:00.003-05:00

I was driving home one day last week from my physiological analysis thinking about cruise control and Sonic (as in the drive-in restaurant).

Before you conclude that I'm crazy remember that I had just saw a certified psychologist who deemed me normal!

Cruise control was on my mind because I was driving down the interstate in the van, which we seldom drive outside the city limits due to gas prices, and I realized that the cruise control was no longer working. I suppose its probably been 6 months since its been out of town. And as long as I'm stating facts I will say that I was planning to take our efficient mid size car but my husband forgot and took it to work (and yes, it was packed with "big" baby toys for my niece and nephew).

Now I was thinking about Sonic, because I usually do when we want a treat or a fun drink and I just happened to be in a town that actually has one. And I figured since I had to deal with no cruise control on the way home I might as well deal with it while drinking a cherry vanilla Sprite.

At my appointment we talked a little about my previous pregnancies. Jonah's was easy, I expected it to go well. But this last one was not easy, it was scary and ended in one of the worst ways that it could. And now we're really close to trying again and I'm not sure how it will end.

As I was sipping on my Sprite, trying not to go 80 MPH, I realized that I don't want another try to be like getting in my van and saying "cruise isn't going to work, why am I even driving this thing?". Now, I know that is a fact, there is the possibility that IVF won't work or that it will and my water will break too early again. I know that, we even have a back-up plan in case either of those things happen. But wouldn't it be better to think that I'm going to Sonic and I'm going to get my drink. There is a chance that it could be closed or have ran out of cherries.

But its worth the drive anyway, right?

Right! At this appointment we were suppose to see if emotional I was ready to handle another pregnancy, and I'm happy that a professional thought that I was in fact ready. She praised my openness to share and that we had pursued counseling. She said that my anxieties were normal and that if they ever reached an abnormal stage we could discuss some meds.

IVF is one of those things you can't set an exact date for, it depends on how cooperative my body chooses to be. But likely, if all goes as planned, we will be getting in the van and headed towards "Sonic" (so much less awkward than infertility clinic) somewhere around mid October.

The clinic has details here about the IVF process if you are interested.

Tag

2008-09-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

My friend Shelly "tagged" me this week.

Here are the first rules of being tagged:

"Each blogger must post these rules. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules."

Here are my ten facts, many of you might already know most of these!

1. I love watching Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons. I used to dream about being Laura Ingalls.

2. I was such a skinny kid that on a canoeing trip in Junior High Youth Group my leader had to put a cement block in my end of the canoe so it would stay down in the water.

3. I'm not a very picky eater but I strongly dislike cottage cheese (unless its in something like lasagna) and horseradish.

4. When I was nine my doctor discovered that I had a heart murmur caused by the strep virus. For a few months I had to take an aggressive round of meds where I learned how to swallow pills without water. I was required to take some during the school day and I couldn't quite figure out how to make the water fountain help me.

5. Currently, my stomach looks like a pin cushion from the new hormones that I'm injecting (more about that later).

6. In the fifth grade I won a creative writing contest for writing a limerick about my bed, in its darling cover of red (which by the way, was NOT red).

7. I was the person in typing class (back when it was on electric typewriters) whose teacher would come around and tape the piece of paper over my hands and keyboard. To this day, I still look at my fingers sometimes!

8. I've always wished for whiter teeth and a singing voice. So far, I haven't gotten either.

9. I failed my first drivers test because as I was completing the test and pulling back into the parking lot, I hit a parked car! I did pass the next day and the only cars I've hit since then have been in my own driveway (so beware if you park there).

10. I have never been on an organized sports team, and regret that, but only a little.

The last rule says this: "At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they have been tagged and to read your blog."

I'm going to break that rule and not name names but instead say, if you like blog prompts and want to this, please do, just comment here so we can check out your answers. If you don't have a blog, this is a good time to create one (you know you've been thinking about it anyway) or you can just post your list in the comment section.

I will say that it was fun to think of the past and all the little "things" that make up me!

Hi Ike

2008-09-22T13:34:00.003-05:00

Sadly, we got to meet Hurricane Ike up close and personal last Sunday when we came home to a soaked lower level in our bi-level home. We know, however, we are very fortunate not to live in other areas of the country where families lost much more than carpet!

Our first sign that the all day downpour had gotten into our house was the wet throw rug in our downstairs hallway. We were surprised that it was wet since our garage was dry. A quick check told us that the perimeter of our all-purpose-family-office-play room was soaked. The slip cover on our couch had lapped up water as well.

Our under-the-stairs storage closet seemed to have gotten the most water. The bottoms of boxes fell out when we moved them.

We are still waiting on someone to come and access the damage, that will hopefully take place in the morning.

In the meantime everything has been moved in our garage:

And removed the carpet (it was starting to smell):

I didn't take a picture of my newly purchased and organized plastic bins I bought for storage. Hopefully that will make things easier if this happens again, but I hope that it doesn't- what a mess!

More Gathering

2008-09-22T10:42:00.002-05:00

We have been slowing exploring the adoption process and although we are still very confused about some issues and haven't chosen an agency yet, I feel like we are getting closer.

We have met with two very different social workers from two very different agencies. We first met with Bethany Christian Services who is a very large, well know agency. Our second meeting was with a social worker from an agency that Jake calls the "in-bred" agency. They are, of course, not in-bred, but everyone who works there is related in some way (they actually gave us a whole page explaining their relationships to each other). The are very small and local.

I left our first meeting thinking we should go with Bethany. But then I left our second meeting thinking we should go with them. I'm like the toddler who will always "picks" the last choice mentioned.

Pros, as we see them, for Bethany:
-experienced
-Christian staff
-place a large number of children per year
-many programs offered (they work with many countries as well as domestic)

And the cons:
-they are big, they have prices and procedures that are set up- you have to make choices now about BIG things
-none of the above prices and procedures and choices have really been explained to us
-our social worker was nice, but quiet and I felt like we had to pull info out of her

Pros, for the small, local "family" owned agency
-I don't feel like we would be a "number", personalized service
-They answered all of our questions and went through every page with us!
-The number of waiting families is small
-We aren't rushed to make important decisions
-I really liked our friendly, open social worker who was very informative

Cons:
-They placed a small number of children last year
-They are not doing a lot of international placements right now
-less experience than the larger agency
-the staff are not Christians

We are still trying to understand:
Lawyer adopt vs. agency adoption
the adoption tax law
what exactly Hague is and how it is affecting international adoption

And now Jake says he wants to meet with a THIRD agency. I'm sure that I'll want to go with them...

PTA Power

2008-09-16T14:03:00.003-05:00

In my mind I envisioned a PTA meeting being something like a school board or town meeting from some 80's movie like Teen Wolf or Doc Hollywood (or any other movie with Micheal J. Fox in it that I can't remember if there really was a scene like this or not). I expected opinionated parents slinging their ideas to strong willed-unmoved-middle aged board members.

Most of my ideas went out the window when I stepped into my first Parent Teacher Association Meeting last week. The 7 present members didn't say a word to me as I came in and sat down. The meeting began with a dull run down of the last meeting's minutes. I was sure I would be bored to pieces and asked to do lots of random jobs as the "new blood".

Two more ladies came in and sat down by their friends who had saved them seats. I quickly recognized these ladies as the ones I had pegged as "running the school" and was not surprised that they were in change of all of the committees. Assignments were being made for this year's committees. At least I thought assignments were being made but instead they were just reviewing last year's assignments. Each time the president would bring up a new committee she would say, "you guys going to need some help with that this year?" as she eyed me and the one other newbie. Each time they would say something along the lines of how they had it under control. My favorite was the events or programs that obviously didn't go well last year, but they still didn't want any help. Even the Box Top Grandma didn't need any assistance. An angry 80's mob would have been more enjoyable than this! I left without signing up for anything.

Somehow I got the nerve to ask the Refreshment Queen if she needed any help with the Kindergarten Grandparent Day when I saw her at pick-up last week. I really wanted to spy on my kiddo and his grandparents and this was my only "in". First she said no, then that she didn't know, then she changed it to "sure, why don't you come." Maybe she say the pleading in my eyes, the need to be included in the PTA club, I'm not sure what did it but I said "see you then" and quickly climbed back in my van before she could change her mind.

Well, one of "them" actually talked to me while we were serving cookies and orange kool-aid yesterday. And she even asked me to help with something else and although I'm pretty sure I was her last hope, I'll take it!

Walgreens Tuturial

2008-09-10T11:22:00.003-05:00

I'm posting a link to Walgreens 101 that explains both the rebate program and the deal on Register Rewards. Tonya requested it but even if you feel like you are experienced at WAGS like I feel like I am, you might learn something from Money Saving Mom's post, I know I did.

One of my big complaints about Walgreens has been the way they tax, which seems to be on your pre-coupon amount. In the link she explains how hopefully to avoid that by giving the cashier your coupons in a particular order. Its worth a try!

The important things to remember about Register Rewards are:
1. you cannot use a RR from the cough medicine deal to do another cough medicine deal, the computer will NOT print out RR for you. But you can (like I did today) use your cough med RR to do a cleaners(Windex, pledge, scrubbing bubbles) deal. I will use my cleaner RR to do another cough med deal before the week is over.
2. A Register Reward counts as a coupon. You cannot have more manufacturers coupons than you have items. So if you have 7 items and you have a coupon for each one of them PLUS you are paying with a RR, one of the coupons will not take. You must buy one more item. It works well if you have a coupon that is, for example, $1 off of 2 items. That will count as one coupon but you now have an extra items to be "paired" with your RR.

I hope that helps, Tonya, now go make some money at Walgreens!!!!

Underground Protection

2008-09-10T11:11:00.002-05:00

I honestly thought that you had to be a cherry tomato to survive my garden this year. My regular tomatoes either didn't turn, was ate by a bunny or split before I had a chance to pick them. The bunnies also ate every leaf off of both the pepper and the bean plants (we got 2 hot peppers and one green bean). My radishes went to seed and the squash bugs got the zuchinni after a couple short weeks of happy zuchinni harvest. The watermelon are still smaller than an orange and don't appear to be getting any bigger. And my cucumbers, they are just plain funny looking. They are small and round instead of long and skinny. Apparently they want to be a cherry tomato.

As I was out picking 50 or so cherry tomatoes I decided to pull the carrots. The tops were long but close together. I saw no orange veggie at the base and figured they, like their neighbor the radish, either didn't like the soil or didn't get thinned enough and therefore decided not to produce edible fruit this year. I was surprised to pull up carrot after carrot! Some were small but they are good! And they kept hidden from the bunnies all summer long. Good job, carrots!

Money Making Cough Medicine

2008-09-08T11:14:00.004-05:00

I saw this deal on Money Making Mom, went to Walgreens and did it, and just have to share!

We all, unfortunately will probably have to buy some sort of cough medicine this winter for either ourselves or our kiddos, so this is a great deal. And if you're in an area like mine, there is a Walgreens on most corners!

PREP (most of the time saving money involves a little bit of planning):
Print coupons for $3 off of 1 of Robitussin and/or $2 off of 1 of Dimetapp.
You need 3 coupons total, any combo will do. Actually, if you can only get one coupon to print, you will still get a good deal! You should be able to print one coupon per computer per e-mail address, but don't hold me to that. Sometimes coupon printers do unexplainable, terribly frustrating things...

Cut out your large coupons and head to your nearest Walgreens.

If you got the paper last Sunday (with the Proctor and Gamble coupon insert) cut out the 75 cent off coupon for Crest Pro-Health Mouthwash, bring it with you.

At Walgreens: Buy 3 Robitussin or Dimetapp 4 oz products for 3.99 each (mix or match, depending on the coupons that you printed out)(there were tags at my WAGS explaining which ones were included in the deal).

If you want, pick up a bottle of mouthwash.

DEAL:
Cough Meds: 3.99 x 3= 11.97
- 3 3/1 coupons= 9 (or whatever combo you have)
-------------
2.97 OOP (Out of pocket)

Get back a $1o Register Reward.

$7 in Free Money at Walgreens! You can blow your free $ on anything you like or use it to generate even more free money buy doing some of the September Rebate Easy Saver Deals.

If you wanted to sweeten your Walgreens deals (because you're on a roll) buy the mothwash too.

This is what I did:
2 Robitussin @3.99
1 Dimetapp @3.99
1 Pro Health Mouth Wash @ 4.49
- 2 3/1 Robitussin
- 1 2/1 Dimetapp
- .75 Pro Health
------------
7.51 OOP
Got back 10 RR and 4.49 RR for a profit of $6.98!

(Register Rewards are WAGS coupons that can by used in-store and expire in 2 weeks).

Now I think I'm going to break open one of the bottles because my allergies are driving my crazy!

Is it safe?

2008-09-04T22:18:00.005-05:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.- Mark Twain

I just found the above quote from Mark Twain as I was thinking about recent conversations that I have had from concerned friends and family members. As we consider "what's next" in regards to having another child we get many mixed responses from people. Most are just worried about us and ask the question, "Is it safe to try again?" or "wouldn't adoption just be easier with a guaranteed better outcome?"

Well, sure its safe to try again, my health is not at risk and my body has healed fine. Could things end up just as they did this spring? Sure (maybe that is what they mean by safe). And I've never heard of adoption being easy or without heartaches of its own.

I guess I tend to agree with Twain, that I will have regrets 10 years from now if I don't try now.

But I am scared, really scared.

I'm usually not on a quote kick, but I searched for a few more under "risk". I can relate to this:

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.- Anias Nin

And here is one that I imagine another pregnancy will feel like:

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.- Marilyn Ferguson

One more:

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.- H. Jackson Browne

So I think that the real question is, maybe even bigger than all of the information that I've been collecting, is- is it worth the risk, even if it isn't safe?

Gathering Information Part 3

2008-09-04T14:19:00.003-05:00

I'm in the middle of processing lots of new information right now that I have obtained via meeting with different professionals. Do we have a decision? No way. Are we close? Maybe. Here is my original list and some of the information I have "gathered":

1. get a 2nd opinion about whether I have an incompetent cervix or not (and in the process find a new OB because I'm not going back to my current one)- Yesterday I met with an OB who sees high risk patients, preformed many cervical cerclages, and is currently doing some work in infertility. She said that my situation is not classic for an incompetent cervix but the x-ray suggests that I do have one. She was missing a sono that would help her further diagnose and we are hoping that she will get a hold of that in the next couple of days. The clinic will help me find an OB here in town when that time comes, for now they will take care of me, even if it means driving an hour away.

2. find out actually what an incompetent cervix is and what it would mean for a future pregnancy (this really concerns me- IF I get pregnant again, will I be confined to breathing, eating and sleeping for 8 months???)- So I still don't know exactly what one is, but this is how it was explained to me: the cervix is too weak and begins to open too soon, causing a rupture of membranes. As far as we know, mine did not open. Again, she says that my case is not classic and therefore is why I "fell through the cracks", all seemed to be fine. A pregnancy would consist of having the cerclage following by limited activity (but fairly normal lifestyle). They would carefully monitor to see if anything is happening through ultrasound. Bedrest can be expected around 20 weeks. A perinatalist would be consulted and make those calls.

3. Weigh our options about how aggressive we want to be with getting pregnant again such as if we want to use meds or do IVF again- Seeing that nothing else worked, we will skip everything and go right to IVF, if we chose to do something. Meds and other procedures can be even more draining than IVF because they can drag on for months while they try to get everything right. And, again, they didn't work before. If we are going to invest time, money and emotions into something it will probably be in what we know worked. Of course, there is always the chance that it won't work this time around.

4. Research different adoptions options. Begin to make a decision on whether we want to proceed with adoption even if we decide to "try again." - This would probably be the step where we have "gathered" the least. We have met with one social worker and were going to attend an info meeting tonight but instead will be going to Jonah's open house (just found out about THAT).

Summary and Conclusions: I lied about the conclusion part, I'm still missing that part. But to summarize: its likely that I have an incompetent cervix, professionals agree that my chances of carrying a baby to term after the cerclage are somewhere between 8 and 9 out of 10. Those are not fabulous odds, but good enough for us to consider it. Adoption is still an option but we are in need of more information. Next week we hope to talk to the nurse prac after she consults with the OB about the sono (the missing info) and to talk to with 2 other local adoption agencies.

Print ME

2008-09-01T15:58:00.001-05:00

I have tried to tone down my new coupon-clipping-deal-making addiction, but I can't stand it anymore! I have to share some of my favorite coupon getting avenues. If you are like my husband and just want to glaze over, nod your head, and click "mark all as read" on your Goggle Reader-go for it, my feelings will not be hurt (but your wallet might be!!!).

The newspaper: I finally got the Chicago Tribune delivered to my door! I took a few phone calls, and I'm still not sure who I pay, but I got it! Apparently, the delivery service, not the Trib's circulation department, now collects in my area (but the Trib didn't know that). Lots and lots of great coupons delivered right to my door for only $1 a week (includes Wed-Fri papers as well). To give this deal a try go here.

ALL YOU magazine: I was NOT looking forward to Jonah's first fundraiser but am looking forward to receiving a great deal on ALL YOU magazine. ALL YOU contains lots of interesting and useful articles plus many coupons, most are $1 off. The fundraiser has 24 issues for $20 making it less than half the price as newsstand (1.77-1.97) AND don't forget the free gym bag! Bonus!

Printables: Coupons.com has some great new coupons that they just put up.
Just click on the coupons that you would like to print and then select "print clipped now". I suggest the $1 off coupons for Pillsbury Crescent rolls and Cinnamon rolls and the 50 cents off Betty Crocker Cookie Mix. If you watch the sales or have a store that doubles coupons you might be able to get these items for free or close to free!

Recycling Day Walk: For three weeks now I've been going for a friendly walk around the neighborhood where I just so happen to peak into the recycling bins parked at the curb. Oh the coupons I have scored...

THE Driver's Test

2008-08-28T12:45:00.002-05:00

I've heard that most women, by the time they are 30, either have learned to parallel park or have learned to avoid it. I have gone with the second option and have been pretty successful, until this week.

Jonah's school doesn't really have a drive-by and drop-off line, but instead a parking line. There is actually 2 parking lines, one on each side of the street leaving little room to maneuver between them.

I think along with back-to-school shopping and dentist and doctor's appointments we should have to make a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles when we first send a kiddo off to school. A special course should be given to show us mom's of kindergartners how to safely parallel park while trying to:

stay out of the way of the other mommy's who are trying to do the same (and half of them have had my "avoid" it policy)

help our kid find their name tag and adhere to to their shirt so that it is not covering up any part of Superman

not fall into a steep ditch or block someones driveway

not hit the 5th grade crossing guards who are conversing in the middle of the road

Maybe I should break out my copy of the Rules of the Road before pick-up time.

No girls allowed

2008-08-25T12:06:00.003-05:00

Jonah's first day of kindergarten was a "boys only" day. The day before all of the girls went so that just half of the class was being acclimated at a time.

When asked if he was excited about returning today he said, "Not really."

When I asked why, he of course replied something along the lines of "there will be girls there."

A matter of Opinion: Gathering Information Part 2

2008-08-25T10:53:00.002-05:00

My desire was to take the next 2-4 weeks to obtain some pretty serious information in order to help us make a decision about trying to have another child. I wasn't looking forward to this because I expected lots of frustration through many hours of Internet research and phone conversations. I expected to not get anywhere, fast, at least.

I thought that today would be Day One in the process. Jonah is in school and its a new week. But in the middle of trying to send him off last week and do all of the last minute things involved with the start of school, a variety of information was thrown my way. It was in no way gathered, but instead hurled my direction.

I mentioned expecting frustration, and I've already experienced my limit. In an attempt to "gather" I sought a 2nd opinion about the cause of my water breaking and advice about the next step. I thought making an appointment with a local doctor, who has lost 2 babies the way I did, would be a good fit for me. But, she wouldn't see me. She doesn't do a lot of high risk and she definitely doesn't do infertility. She would be happy to be a homebase doctor for me if I do get pregnant again but she would expect that I would need to see a high-risk doctor as well. I guess even without an appointment, I got her opinion: I need specialists.

After that door closed I soon found myself in the middle of an insurance mess. Apparently I filled out a form incorrectly and if I had done it right the problem could have been corrected by now. But until then, I'm not allowed to see the specialist or receive treatment of any kind in this state (his main office is out of state). The right paperwork has now been filed and now we just have to wait.

I was ready to give up on Thursday when all of this occurred but thankfully, something good did come out of it. One of the nurse pracs called on Saturday to discuss a new plan, just in case I couldn't see the specialist. Her planned involves seeing a doctor who although is not a perinatologist , sees lots of high risk cases and is very qualified to do the cervical cerclage (if I do become pregnant). And, she got my in next week! This is what I wanted, to talk to another expert.

In the process of getting that appointment, I got yet another opinion- from the nurse prac. She DOESN'T think I have an incompetent cervix and thinks I lost the baby because of bad luck. She also thinks I don't need the cerclage and that I wouldn't be put on bed rest. She says that infertility specialists and OBGYN's often differ on these matters. Great! If professionals cannot agree, how am I, an emotional female who has just got her heart broken, make a wise decision?

We do, however, have an appointment with a social worker from Bethany Adoption Services this week that was easy to obtain and has caused very little frustration. I'm sure that is to come though as we continue our gathering of information in order to make a wise and informed decision.

First Day

2008-08-22T10:07:00.003-05:00

Here are some not-so-good-pictures of an eager kindergartener who had no qualms about being dropped off this morning. Despite the rain which caused both the bad pictures and the drop off process to be crazy (we weren't yet informed on the bad weather drop-off policy) things went well. Jake had decided that he didn't want to miss it so I drove and he walked him in (since he'll rarely get to do that).

I hope this afternoon to figure out this "parking line" (which is NOT a drive by and drop off line) and that it stops raining so I can pick him up at his door and maybe snap a decent picture or too.

Me, I'm doing well! I'm amazed at having time to myself and not feeling too sad about it. Maybe that will change since only an hour has gone by but for now I have bills to pay and a friend to meet for lunch (and a deal to work at Walgreens). I think I have some place to be everyday next week and of course, there are big decisions to be made. In the meantime, I will look forward to hearing all about the pizza sticks.

Kindergarten Prep

2008-08-21T22:31:00.002-05:00

This week has been kindergarten preparation week. With kindergarten beginning tomorrow we have:

1. Stocked up on lunch box staples (he requested salami, of all things) only to find out that my somewhat picky son is very interested in "hot" lunches (tomorrow is pizza sticks).

2. Made a triple batch of pancakes to freeze because pancakes are his favorite breakfast.

3. Went to kindergarten registration. We put our supplies in our desk, met our teacher Miss Bailey, and found out that we knew two fellow kindergarteners in his class (I quickly traded cell phone numbers with another mommy, "just in case"). We also discovered that kindergarten is very academic and THAT will be another blog all together.

4. Tried on all of our tennis shoes to make sure that they fit (they did) upon discovering at kindergarten orientation that we cannot wear sandals.

5. Used up the last of our summer reading program prizes which involved one trip to the Children's Museum and one visit to a local ice cream store.

6. Had a day-before-kindergarten-Mommy-and-Jonah-baking-time where we used a free Betty Crocker sugar cookie mix to make fabulous cut-out cookies. He colored his own frosting with a variety of food colorings to make some great pastel swirl frosting that went perfect on Christmas bells and Halloween bats.

With tomorrow being a big day I asked him what excited him the most and he said, "Lunch". What makes him nervous? Nap.

One More Adventure

2008-08-20T20:49:00.002-05:00

Jake's mom (above) invited Jonah and I on a pre-kindergarten-end-of-the-summer adventure. We took the St. Louis Metro into Forest Park and then took the Forest Park Shuttle to the St. Louis Zoo. Although taking a variety of public transportation is enough of an adventure for us small town folks, we had a great time at the zoo.

I love the St. Louis Zoo because it is FREE and the exhibits are great- the penguins are my favorite. Jonah, with his trusty map, helped "guide" us from one to another. We saw the lions first, then the hippos, the new tiger cubs, the penguins (of course), and a variety of bears and apes in between!

Seeking: Information

2008-08-19T14:54:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was talking to one of my sister-in-laws and mentioned that I had finally gone to the administration building and was now (2 days before school starts) in the system to sub at Jonah's school. I also will sub occasionally at the Christian School.

She said, "I didn't know that was the plan!" I realized that I didn't know that was the plan either! But that is what came together. I doubt I'll get too many days or much income this way but I think that might be for the best for RIGHT NOW. A month from now, that could change.

But this month, I'm in the "gathering information" stage. This stage is a lot harder than I thought. I haven't been about to get into (yet) the doctor that I wanted to see for a second opinion. The nurse (at the pregnancy center where I'm taking my Threads of Hope grief counseling class at)has yet to make and appointment with me to discuss what in the world an "incompetent cervix" is. The adoption counselor (also at the pregnancy center) finally called me last night to tell me that she only works with birth mothers but would be happy to help me all that she could.

So basically I have gathered no useful information to help us make a decision about "what to do next." But with Jonah going to school on Friday and only one sub job on the calendar, I hope to put the gathering into high gear.

I hope to:
1. get a 2nd opinion about whether I have an incompetent cervix or not (and in the process find a new OB because I'm not going back to my current one)

2. find out actually what an incompetent cervix is and what it would mean for a future pregnancy (this really concerns me- IF I get pregnant again, will I be confined to breathing, eating and sleeping for 8 months???)

3. way our options about how aggressive we want to be with getting pregnant again such as if we want to use meds or do IVF again

4. Research different adoptions options. Begin to make a decision on whether we want to proceed with adoption even if we decide to "try again."

I have some pretty serious info to obtain over the next few weeks. We could, of course, use prayer for wisdom during this process. Also, if you are an expert in any of the above subjects, we could use your advice too!

Clean and Organzied

2008-08-11T21:29:00.002-05:00

Four months ago when I realized that I WAS NOT having a baby this fall I freaked out. I didn't know how I would make it through the summer. I wondered what I would do. I decided I would do what all women with my type of personality would do in the face of tragedy: organize, redecorate and clean. I couldn't have a baby but I WOULD have a few newly painted rooms and organized closets.

The summer is almost over and Kindergarten is less than two weeks away and the hallway is only halfway painted! We must have spent too much time at the park across the street. I must have over-planned overnight trips, swim lessons, soccer camp, library programs, and play dates at the pool. Now, I'm not complaining because I think Jonah had fun and all of those activities kept me busy and somewhat distracted. I even feel a little proud of myself- I made it through summer and my my kid doesn't think I'm a basket case! We did the zoo and the library and all of those places with a zillion pregnant ladies and babies without driving my hubby crazy with random clean freak attacks.

But since Kindergarten is just 10 days away (and I still haven't decided what I am going to do) I've started feeling the "need to clean" again. I appeased myself a little with:
1. A purchase of a 2nd hand Kirby vaccuum
I had just had a demo in my home while they were canvasing my neighborhood and the very next day I stumbled upon a friend selling one for cheap. I couldn't pass it up and am oh-so-pleased with it. I can't wait to try out the shampooer!
2. Completely reorganizing all of my food cabinets and 2 hall closets and creating a small "pantry" in the closet under my stairs. Oh labeled bins, how do I love thee, your organized contents make me so happy...

I'm saving finishing the hallway for the first full week of school because that will be yet another battle to be won (but I can do it, I haven't even tried ALL of the Kirby attachments yet).

Made It

2008-08-06T10:09:00.002-05:00

So we made it through the dreaded due date. I know that the days to come will continue to be hard. For the past four months I've thought "I should be pregnant now", but now I will think "I should have a baby now". That could be a little more difficult to handle, but its hard to tell at this point.

Yesterday went like this:
Jonah and I worked some SWEET Walgreens AND Kroger deals (why stop at just one store) (My advice: Buy a big city paper like the Chicago Tribune, their coupons are AWESOME, well worth the $2.50).

We met my mom for lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Jonah and I shared some decent mega nachos.

We got home and I took every food item out of my cabinet and then rearranged several times until I found places for the 11 Kelloggs items and 20 Betty Crocker baking products that I had just purchased for $6.83. The cakes mixes and frostings are now living under an end table.

Jake brought me a rose from one of our bushes and a plant that he had picked up at Kroger on the way home. That was very sweet. He had asked a co-worker where he should stop for flowers on the way home and the co-worker asked "what did you do or what do you want???" Jake laughed and brushed that question off.

My counselor and I had talked about me writing the baby a letter to put in her memory box yesterday but I just didn't feel like it. I went instead with the "staying busy and getting through it" line of thinking.

My day ended with small group (complete with a coupon clipping party) and some rush packing for our trip today. Now I will have a couple days of distraction while hanging out with Jonah in a hotel while Jake is doing a trade show. Time to load up the Crown Vic (when you're going to a police show, you get to ride in style)!

Rubbing Off

2008-08-06T10:03:00.002-05:00

After several "bad CVS days" I announced that I was giving it up and once again becoming a "walgreens girl". Here is Jonah's response:

Let it Go

2008-08-04T16:59:00.004-05:00

With our due dating being tomorrow there are a lot of things that I have to let go of, the big one being that we are not having a baby this week. We have dubbed tomorrow "sad day" and Jonah knows that the baby was suppose to come tomorrow but she is not therefore mommy and daddy might be a little extra sad.

Although I have to let go of that and many other things, I do not have to let go of my current deal addiction. My dear husband says that I do when I say things such as "I just can't get these cookie coupons to print" or "If I could just get this deal worked out then I will make 1.25 at CVS".

I might sound crazy but it is a worth wild distraction for me right now. I end up with a little extra leftover in my budget and a lot more things in my cabinet. I'm not going to say that all of them are useful, but I will say that most of them are! Did I mention that this was a good distraction for me?

Fabulous deal that I got at CVS this morning:

I spent $1.60 (over 2 transactions) out of pocket (it would have been less but my total was in the negative and the cashier did not know how to adjust down a coupon, so I just had Jonah pick out a pack of gum).

I got:
2 oral B toothbrushes
2 tubes of Crest
1 tube of Colgate
2 bags of Chex Mix
1 bottle of Dawn
4 Cover Girl products
1 children's advil
1 bottle hand sanitizer (on J's school list)
1 bar of soap
and a pack of gum (missing from picture)
I used 12 coupons and $7 in EBCs (Extra Care Bucks) and got 7.29 back in EBCs.

This ended up being a random blog post, but pray that we can get through tomorrow and the weeks to come. I doubt the sweetest of deals will make tomorrow any easier. But I might go to Walgreens and give it a try.

Amen for College Friends

2008-08-04T15:00:00.004-05:00

Last night we were at the Decatur Celebration, Illinois' largest free street fair. We had already seen Caedmon's Call once but decided to stay for their late show as well. We returned to our good seats (which were now totally in the shade) and enjoyed another good show. Towards the end of the show a light went on at the Compassion International Tent as they encouraged fans to sponsor a child in need.

As soon as the light came on I knew my good friend Rachel from college was working the booth. I could tell not only from her height and hair but from her stance and the way she pushed her hair back. Even in the shadow-light I knew it was her. Jake bet me 25 cents that it WASN'T our friend as I went over to see her. He owes me a quarter!

It was amazing how being around her made me feel like we were in college again. Although it would 13 years since Fall since our first days in Lincoln Hall together it seemed like there is no way that that much time has passed. Jake went home to put Jonah to bed and after she had helped clean up the booth we walked back to her car together. We decided to be on the look out for vendors who wanted to get rid of some of their $10-a-pop leftovers. I soon found out (via a call from Jake) that the non-English speaking smoothie vendor was giving away free smoothies, but he was out of cups. That was no match for Rachel, who marched into the un-manned Pepsi booth, opened up a box marked "Solo" and came back with 2 cups. She wouldn't have had any problem doing that 10 years ago either! I laughed so hard I almost spilled my free smoothie!

She came back to our house and we all easily shared our "stories". I needed that talk and she said she felt like running into each other was a blessing. I couldn't agree more!

The Job Search

2008-07-29T16:31:00.002-05:00

Search is really the wrong word, because I am not doing anything active such as searching. But the jobs that friends have suggested that I apply for are because they "know" someone are:

-4th grade teacher at the local Christian School (am I ready for that commitment?
-Educator at the Children Museum (too much like teaching without the money)
-administration assistant at the Children Museum (too many hours, almost full time)
-barista at Starbucks ( I don't like coffee that much)
-billing "specialist" (I made that title up) at a local counseling office (are they really going to hire someone?)

I've also applied (all on my own) to sub in our district. But I would pretty much just take jobs at J's school because of timing- I don't have anyone to watch him before and after school. But, I'm still not in the system because I lack a current physical even though I've seen several doctors and had many extensive tests. I called my OB office to see if the nurse prac would do it but she has moved to an office a hour away! So now I have to get in as a new patient at a Family Prac. since I haven't been to one since we moved to Illinois.

I'm not loving any of my options (except for maybe the billing job but I don't think anyone knows for sure if they really can afford to hire someone). So I'm hoping that someone else will know someone else and point them in my direction!

Deciding to not decide

2008-07-28T16:34:00.002-05:00

With our due date being only a week away (August 5) we decided that maybe now is not the time to make any major decisions in the "what to do next" department. While its hard not to take the specialist recommendation to do a round of fertility meds this month I do feel a little relieved not to have to worry about it all just a little longer.

Fertility meds mean dealing with a mail order drug company plus many last minute trips to the clinic an hour away. And, it could be quite the hormone "trip" as well. With kindergarten approaching and my mind a mess anyway, avoiding all of that for now seems wise.

Maybe we're passing up a chance, but we more think we are waiting until we are ready. At least more ready than we are now. Many of you have asked what my test results mean, especially details on the incompetent cervix. Well, I don't know, but I'm ready to find out (I think). A friend of mine, who is a doctor, advised me to start doing some research and that she thinks I'll be encouraged by the statistics (meaning the chances of carrying a baby full term after you are diagnosed and precautions are taken). I'm hoping to meet with a nurse and my counselor this week or next for some details on those statistics and percautions. I've been avoiding doing a lot of Internet research. There is so much to sort through and I never know what to believe anyway.

So as we wait I'm trying not to think about how old I'm getting or how Jonah will be or how it will never happen. But I'm instead TRYING to believe that we're doing the best thing for us right now.

Lacking: Common Sense

2008-07-22T15:14:00.002-05:00

As it ended up, I had scheduled both J's kindergarten physical and my crazy x-ray all in the same day. There was much hoopla in getting J an appointment because his doctor no longer gives immunizations at his office. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing since I was looking for an excuse to find a new doctor for him, not because I don't love everyone in the office because I do, but because his doctor recently renamed his practice a "health spa" which I find a little weird. Even the nurse suggested I look elsewhere if our insurance covers immunizations, which it does, since its cheaper than going one place for a physical and to the health dept. for the shots. And easier, so I thought.

I took her suggestion and called the office which is right next door to theirs, they even share a waiting room. Now, I only talked to both the "old" and "new" offices, the health department, and the insurance company all at least once. All of which told me I probably want to go elswhere. Don't they want my business? I guess they all seemed to think it would be cheaper for me to go somewher that wasn't them. UGH. I finally settled on the "new" office and got an appointment one month out. When they scheduled my appointment for the x-ray I found out that the specialist was only going to be in town one day this month, the same day as the hard to get kindergarten physical. I told the nurse this much and she worked out the times for me like she understood what it would mean to change it (a big fat headache, 4 more phone calls...). For some reason I lacked all common sense and thought it was a good idea to go ahead and do both in the same day.

In the midst of gathering things up for both appointments plus a meal on the road I forgot one important thing: J's shot record. It didn't even cross my mind! We get to his new doctor and the recepionist asks if I would like to pay for a physical or have it billed to my insurance as a well child visit. I was thinking, "Hmmm, do I want to pay for it out of my pocket or have the insurance company pay for it? Isn't that why I have insurance?". As I was thinking, she asks "are you sure your insurance covers well child? UGH. I was pretty sure that they did but to make sure I call them from the office. Just as J was getting weighed the insurance company rep. says that they will cover it, as along as its coded correctly.

But then the nurse asks for his shot record, which I of course had forgotten and hadn't thought of until she mentions it. She then wants to code the physical differently and send me to the health department for his shots. Since I had changed doctors in order to do it all at once (and because we had talked up shots for a whole month AND because I wanted an excuse to change doctors) I said I would go home right then and come with the shot record so we could do shots TODAY. And that is what I did. And hopefully it didn't cost me out the wazoo. J got 4 shots which he cried on #2,#3, and #4 but still did great. And even though it was only 10:30am I still thought he deserved a Happy Meal with a new transformer toy in it. (Although I forgot socks so he couldn't play in the Playplace and I wasn't going home AGAIN).

One huge doctor's appointment in one day is all I can handle. Now I know. But its done and now we can officially go to kindergarten!

Deja Vu

2008-07-16T18:29:00.002-05:00

Laying on the x-ray table today reminded me of a couple weeks ago when I was standing in my kitchen and the repair man took one look inside my oven and said "you have a burned out heating element." Only this time it was the specialist talking about my cervix. After taking the first or second image he quickly informed me "you have an incompetent cervix."

"Is that why I lost the baby?" I asked, near tears.

"Yeah" he says.

"Are you positive?"

"I never say positive, that can get me into trouble but I'm so sure that I will suggest that you get pregnant again. And this is good news, I can fix that (meaning the incompetent cervix)."

If only it was as easy as signing check and giving the repair man the go ahead to fix the problem. If only this came with a guarantee.

How am I feeling? Tired and cramping from the meds and procedure. Relieved to FINALLY KNOW. But also wondering, do we? Does he really know what he is talking about? Sad and frustrated because it probably could have been prevented. Overwhelmed, but not without hope, about the decision that we have to make.

How would you feel about this information? What would you now do?

Passed!

2008-07-15T16:22:00.004-05:00

Jonah passed level 2 (Guppies) last week! I didn't think he would pass because he just couldn't "scoop ice cream." Scooping ice cream (vanilla is always with your right hand and chocolate is always with your left, according to Jonah) is the basic front stroke (is that the proper name?) and he just couldn't get it! It was just too hard to keep your arms straight when you have to "scoop" them for a full 360 degrees! But it turns out, they just have to be able to float alone in order to pass this level. And we can float! So next summer we are ready for the next level, Beginner's Swimming!

He even jumped off the diving board a bunch but someone was always there to catch him. I think he was a little frustrated when we went to the pool today and I wouldn't catch him, but we stuck to the slide (where I can touch and safely catch him) and he was fine with that!

(Wacky) Wisdom

2008-07-08T14:49:00.001-05:00

In honor of my husband's Jake's 31st Birthday, which is today, I've linked to some past posts where my dear husband reveals wisdom from his past 3 plus decades.

On Romance

On Home Repair

On Parenting

On Math

On pumpkin carving

Five Bites

2008-07-07T15:32:00.003-05:00

I was cooking dinner one day last week and J asked what we were having. I told we were having tacos. He say "Yea, now I don't have to have five bites!"

I figured out that he meant this: on nights when we doesn't eat a thing on his plate we tell him he has to eat five bites (because he is five). Because he likes tacos he doesn't need any encouragement to eat 5 (or more) bites.

Here are the things that Jonah says does NOT require the Five Bite Rule at dinner time:

some that aren't a surprise, loves by MOST kids:
Tacos
nachos
Spaghetti
Pizza
Hot dogs
Mac and Cheese
applesauce
french fries
mashed potatoes
sausage
any kind of fruit
green beans
grilled cheese

and some that you might not expect:
garbanzo beans (straight from the can, often for breakfast)
hummus (like Daddy makes)
carrots
peas (slightly frozen is fine)
sweet potatoes
black olives
raw peppers

DEFINITLY require the Five Bite Rule:
eggs
fish
any kind of meat that is not in the form of a nugget
salad (all lettuce is salad)
mushrooms, zuchinni, other "weird" veggies and any combination of

Depends on the Day:
hamburgers
pasta with a sauce other than red or powered cheese
things that he likes mixed together

Who needs Lexapro?

2008-07-07T14:36:00.001-05:00

The rant of a depressed woman and the cures of chocolate:

I realized how reliant I am this weekend, when we were visiting family. My mother-in-law said that chocolate chips make a good anti-depressant. A handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips might cure the my-husband-is away-on-a-business-trip-blues or the feeling of I-can't-handle-one-more-episode-of-Power-Rangers, but I need something MORE right now. She suggested Hershey kisses. And if you feel like you STILL need more after that, wash it down with some chocolate syrup, straight from the bottle. I think that chocolate syrup without the milk would make me feel worse, not better. But washing it down with a peanut butter fudge shake from Sonic, that might scoop me right out of the depths of despair. But since there isn't a Sonic in a 30 mile radius, that really isn't an option.

But speaking of peanut butter, I used to think that Reeses were the ultimate cure all for not having a boyfriend, babysitting on New Years Eve, or any other teenage angst. But when I turned 30 I wanted the "real deal." Why have peanut butter when you can have peanuts, or better yet almonds or cashews smoothered in chocolate?

I've just "happened upon" a few Hershey bars with almonds in the last few weeks. One was given to me at VBS for "helping" but the others I'm sure I HAD to buy at CVS for a filler so I could get a sweet deal. I then mentioned that I had gone through a bag and and half of Hershey minatures in the last few weeks. But that's not entirely true- I've finished off all of the Mr. Goodbars. When Jonah asks if can have one I try and direct him away from "the yellow ones" and say wouldn't you rather have a "red one" as I hand him the not-so-favorite Krackle bar.

So the next time a doctor, specialist, counselor, nurse, friend (and whoever else, because everyone asks) if I need a "happy pill" I can say that I already have one that is working for now, so don't write that presciption quite yet (as I crumple up another yellow wrapper...).

The Frustrating Four

2008-07-02T08:41:00.003-05:00

Here are four frustrating things that happened to me yesterday, in the order of which they happened:

1. Unhappy Lady at the regional educational building told me that the FBI might not approve me to sub because I don't have any fingerprints and I might have to (drive all the way across town)come back and try again. She also said that I had the smallest fingers that she has ever seen (except in the movies, sorry if you don't get that joke but I just couldn't help it)and maybe that was part of the problem.

2. The stove parts sales man said that there was NO WAY we had a broken heating element since I was getting some heat, so Jake put the part back and scheduled Repair Man to come out.
Repair Man barely had the oven open when he said "Heating element is out".
"But I'm getting some heat", I said.
"Its because the broiling element is coming on during the preheating process" Repair Man stated.
So then I paid him $105 for taking the old one out with a screw driver and replacing it with a new one (which by the way costs $30 at the store!!!). He was there a total of 20 minutes.

3. Infertility Specialist Nurse called to give me the bad news about my blood tests- my hormone levels are low and the "high" they were expecting post pregnancy seems to be non-existent. That means that getting pregnant without medical assistant doesn't seem to be likely since ovulation has to actually occur for that to happen and the results show that my body probably isn't doing that. Frustration is a pretty mild term for what I am feeling right now!

4. CVS did not have any wonderful deals for me to "work" last night. I need my "CVS Therapy" (CVS Therapy is when getting lots of free stuff at CVS makes me feel better, purposeful, successful) (don't say anything about CVS Therapy being unhealthy because I DON'T CARE).

You've got to be kidding me

2008-07-01T08:56:00.002-05:00

So I think I've been handling the unexpected pretty well while in my grief stricken state.

I've had to have my van towed twice, paid $800 to get it fixed only to pick it up and discover that it is now missing a hubcap. I did not pay the big bucks to get in return the getto van, thanks! But whatever right?! Not a big deal in the scheme of things.

And I survived a very unpleasant experience at the dentist. And I'm sure I'll do fine when I have two wisdom teeth extracted in the near future by my Power Ranger-look-alike-dentist.

But I CANNOT HANDLE A BROKEN OVEN!!! I'm a planner. I have a menu. I cook and bake. I was going to make a BBQ chicken pizza tonight for dinner that I was looking forward to putting together. And how am I suppose to manage 2 pans of brownies for the youth group who is coming over for some ultimate Frisbee tomorrow night?

I thought that the refrigerator biscuits that I popped in the oven to go with some sausage gravy on Sunday night took a little longer than usual. And the oven just didn't feel very hot. But it wasn't until the chocolate chip cookies that Jake begged me to make last night just wouldn't cook (after being in the oven a half hour) that I realized that something must be wrong! He then cranked the oven up to 450 degrees which only burnt the outside while leaving a gooey uncooked center.

I guess I will be looking for a stove repair man this afternoon. I hope I don't have to get a new one because I love my flat top stove that my friend Carol gave me (and I'm not sure if I can convince Jake to shell out the bucks for another like it).

The real question is: should I attempt to make my pizza on the grill or just pick up some tortillas and have BBQ chicken quesadillas instead? I need a plan, or I WILL lose it!!

A New Theory

2008-06-27T14:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my appointment with the infertility specialist. I really had mixed feelings about seeing him.

I was pretty sure he was NOT going to tell us:
to stop trying
the reason my water broke

I was fairly certain he would:
cuss a decent amount (he probably would have been a sailor instead of a reproductive specialist if this was 1908 instead of 2008....)
encourage us to do invitro again

Of course, I wanted him to tell me that there is at least a chance of us getting pregnant again and carrying to term but I am also desperate to find out what happened! I also am not ready to do IVF again and don't know if I ever will be. For those reasons, I wasn't looking forward to this meeting. But because I hoped he would have some answers for me I couldn't help but feel the need to talk to him.

I got 2 1/2 right. The only unwholesome talk that came out of his month was "this really sucks" (and it does so all I could do was agree with him). Anyway, I will only count that as 1/2. But I was right on about 2 other things: he says I am not done and that I should do IVF again. He was very understanding about how I wasn't ready to do that right now and even developed a plan based on his theory for "what happened". Yes, he has a theory and yes there is a procedure to do to see if he is right! I am so glad that I was wrong about that one. Of course, there is no guarantee that he is right and even if is he, he can't necessary prevent it from happening again. But he can try!!!

I feel renewed with hope today. He said I only had a decent chance of getting pregnant on my own but it wouldn't hurt a thing to try. We will schedule a special x-ray for next month to check his theory (I might have an incompetent cervix, I knew some part of my female reproductive system wasn't doing their job...) and hopefully get some blood test results back soon to check on my hormone levels. IF I do get pregnant again, then he will "stitch" my cervix to help it do its job correctly. None of that is "for sure" or mean that I will get my happy ending, but it makes me feel like I have a chance.

Sorry if that cervix talk was too much for some of you, but remember, I offered to put it on another blog...

Hogging the Limelight

2008-06-26T10:26:00.002-05:00

Jake made the media again, along with Jonah this time.

Check out the Herald and Review to see them in our local paper. I had a my Threads of Hope bible study but I sent Jake to this kindergarten readiness meeting. There is actually an office whose goal is the research and development of curriculum to prepare for kindergarten.

The best thing about it was that he received 11 free books and activities to do with each of them! But has he looked at each of them Jonah said that he had read them at his school so apparently they had done the program at his pre-school, which was part of the public school system. Oh well, we will do it again at home and enjoy our free books.

How Its Made

2008-06-25T10:02:00.002-05:00

My husband likes to blog about particular things that make people make statements such as " I read your blog today and didn't get it", "What were you talking about?", and "I stopped reading your blog months ago." Those comments don't seem to bother him. Because I don't know if he'll share the exciting event that happened to him yesterday, I'm going to do it for him!

Yesterday the Discovery Channel's show "How Its Made" came to his workplace to do a segment on the radar gun! Jake was the contact person and spent the whole day at the plant while they filmed the show. He also took the crew (4 French speaking Canadians) out to lunch where they informed him that it was Quebec Independence Day. Because they had to celebrate they were pretty sure that the camera man, who "celebrated" the most, would be a little out of focus for the afternoon shooting.

WAND came to record the event, click here to get to their website. Its currently the video on the homepage so all you have to do is click on it. I haven't figured out how to save the video or how long it will be up!

Environmental Theory at its finest

2008-06-23T10:05:00.002-05:00

I remember learning many theories about what effects children as they develop back from classes such as Child Development. One such theory by B.F. Skinner stated that environment was what effected children the most. Here are some funny examples of just that (well sort of, you probably won't see these in a text book).

As we were reading a book entitled "A diary of a worm" J asks, "what is a diary?" "A diary", I say, "is like a blog, only on paper." "Ohhhhhhhhhh" he says, now understanding.

How many more days of CVS? J really meant VBS. You can tell his mommy drags him somewhere besides church way too much!

At Wal-mart last week: Do you want a Spiderman or Spongebob t-shirt? J asks, "We can get it? Is it on sale?" Oh course its on sale ($3 with a pair of pants included)!

Mighty Morphin Dentist Power

2008-06-18T16:00:00.003-05:00

Jonah tells everyone that our dentist is a power ranger! Not only does he have similar facial features of Jason David Frank who played Tommy during numerous seasons of Power Rangers but he also has the same long black hair. Jonah told him that he looked just like him and he said "I get that a lot, you can call me Tommy!". What a crack up, he told me that if I let him know the next time before I bring J in, he'll dress up in Power Ranger-like suit! What a good sport.

He was also very understanding when I had a meltdown in the dentist chair this morning! He warned me it might hurt and maybe I would need a root canal and that was all it took for me to burst into tears! I'm just so tired of being warned about the "worst case scenario" and then it coming true, I just couldn't take it. Poor guy felt SO bad! If he could just morph or call upon his dentistry zords to make everything all better... I'm to call him in the morning to let him know how I am feeling so he can decide what he needs to do next. I really hope I don't have to go back tomorrow, I'm so embarrassed!

Defeating Defeat

2008-06-16T15:44:00.002-05:00

I've been dreading today, the first day of VBS, for quite some time now. Today was suppose to mark the beginning of the "downward stretch" for me. The last 6 weeks. If I could make it to now then everything would definitely be okay. Well, we all know that I didn't "make it" until today and that everything was far from okay. Because I was expecting to be miserable this week I opted out of teaching a class this year, something that one of the directors did not love to hear because she was already feeling low on teachers. I did not give into the guilt I was feeling because I really don't feel 100% and really don't feel like I can patiently handle a room full of rowdy VBS-ers. So I requested to be in the kitchen. I think I picked a good year to be on the kitchen crew since our theme is Game Day (a sports theme) and our kitchen is the concession stand - no making 125 cell phone out of graham crackers just nachos, hot dogs, and popcorn.

So I woke up today, the day I was sure that I would feel defeated, to a little boy with white spots on the back of his throat who was hoarse and couldn't drink his favorite orange juice AND the realization that our van is STILL in the shop. So instead of having time to be sad I had to make a doctors appointment and dropped Jake off at work all in time to get to VBS in time to help assemble nachos for a crowd.

VBS was fine, I was plenty busy without having to to be "on" the whole morning. The kids loved the nachos and I got Jonah to the doctor on time. He has a viral infection so we picked up some anitbotics (just in case) and can return to VBS tomorrow. Our van is fixed, we are picking it up tonight after we pay a $800 bill for a new computer something-something.

Today I'm feeling thankful for distractions that are helping me NOT feel defeated, not necessarily encouraged, but not as if I've completely lost the game either.

A Wild Weekend

2008-06-15T19:39:00.003-05:00

Wild may be the wrong word to describe my weekend. Everything I did was definitely last-minute. But maybe not exactly wild.

On Wednesday I called our church to check and see if someone would be there Friday morning so I could drop off all of the food for theoncession stand" for our sport's themed VBS after a Sam's run. The new secretary answered and said that she would be there. She then asked if I had a busy weekend planned and if I would like to go to Women of Faith in St. Louis. At the conference last year she had won the grand prize consisting of 4 tickets to this years conference plus 2 hotel rooms for 2 nights. And someone JUST canceled on her. Hmmmm.... do I want to go to a conference that I've enjoyed going to in the past where the speakers are funny and the music is uplifting, where I've always gone home feeling encouraged about my life for FREE? YES, I think that is something that would be good for me right now! It wasn't too hard to work out the details of leaving for the weekend since we didn't have any major plans and would be back just in time for a Father's Day cookout.

The fun thing about our trip was that it was the Grand Prize, so there were a few cool things about it- great seats and a fancy hotel for 2 nights.

Our seats were on the floor, in the front row! Even the usher was excited for us as she led the way. We were about 3 steps from the stage. Lisa Welchel (Blaire from Facts of Life) was right across the aisle from us. It was so fun to have such great seats. It was so different from the "nose bleed" seats we had the first time I ever went to W of F back in 2000 in Oklahoma City.

I am used to staying in Comfort Inns, so the Renaissance Grand was pretty nice in comparison. We had a big bathroom, comfy beds, and a bell hop. But the really great thing about it was that the prize included 2 nights. What a relief to not have to rush out of the conference and drive 2 hours home. Instead we took our time leaving and met some friends for dinner at Union Station.

Maybe this is the part of the story where it becomes wild. But again, maybe wild is the wrong word. After dinner one of the ladies in our group (who I had just met the day before) and I took a cab to Fox Theater and saw Willie Nelson!!!

She had seen earlier in the paper that he was playing that night and expressed how she really wanted to go. I had never been to the Fox before and grew up listening to Willie so I untrue to my character it didn't take much convincing to get me to say yes to this last minute and rather expensive adventure. Why did I say yes? Maybe its because he's an American icon and I probably won't get an opportunity to see him again. Maybe it seemed like a fun ending to a good weekend. Maybe I felt like I deserved to pamper myself a little. No matter the reason, we took a cab (my first time for that too) and ended up in the 12th row, center aisle! Willie has definitly aged and he seemed to speak some of his songs instead of sing them but can still play the guitar! It was so exciting to hear and see him play classics like "On the Road Again", "Mama, Don't let your Babies grow up to be Cowboys" and "Georgia on my mind".

Maybe I'll post what I learned from the conference in a later post instead of going on and on about good seats and country music.

The Good Stuff

2008-06-11T14:42:00.002-05:00

Jake and I recently celebrated our 9th anniversary on May 29th. We decided to do our date about a hour from home because we had a gift card to Biaggi's (and we don't have one here in town). It was storming that night and although I think we missed driving in the worst of the rain, the streets were flooded by the time we got there. The roads were blocked off and police officers were helping people out of their cars. The street that we knew the resturant was on was flooded, but one quick phone call to my brother-in-law helped us to find Biaggi's without missing our reservation. After our nice Italian dinner (I had my first cannoli) we then went see Indiana Jones (romance at its finest). We both enjoyed it though we will admit that there were some dumb parts. I didn't care for part of the ending, personally...

Our anniversary assured me of two things:
1. I have been married for 9 years, therefore I CAN buy new skillets. I don't think teflon is suppose to last that long and I SHOULD replace them.

2. Although I am VERY sad, there is still some GOOD stuff in my life. I'm so thankful for Jake and Jonah and the family I DO have. And those are the BIG things. But there are little things too, little things that seem unimportant but make you smile and think "I'm going to be okay"

Here's some of my "little" things from the past few days/weeks:

my husband is willing to take the bus so I won't be stranded without a car (because our van is STILL in the shop, oh minivan, how I miss thee)

my mom called with leftovers that just happened to of just came off the grill, that she wrapped up so we could take them "to go" so we could eat with friends

two friends, who are lots better at the couponing business than I am, called me at the same time to tell me NOT to go to Kmart because the "make-up" deal was NOT working

my small group can consume a whole pan of "Gail's Coffeecake" straight from the oven (with good reason, maybe I will post this recipe soon)

I got 7 boxes of cereal at CVS this week for 1.57 out of pocket (yes!)

someone that I barely know from church called today and offered me a FREE ticket and hotel room to Women of Faith this weekend, I'm still working out the details but I would be crazy not to go

Jonah gives me a hug whenever I am sad

Jonah makes me not only watch shows from all 16 seasons of Power Rangers on YouTube but also Power Rangers shows in other languages as well as a show that is produced by Bandaii (I think), the same company that made Power Rangers

I'm almost to the end of Season Three of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and therefore ready to watch hers and Sully's wedding (!)

I taked to my neice Karly on the phone today- she can say my name!

today (this is sort of a big thing)I received a check from another concerned Arkansas friend, I'm knee deep in medical bills and SO tired of dealing with it but it makes me feel good that our friends are concerned about our finances

That's some of my "Good Stuff" for the week, that made me think I CAN get through this summer! What's your Good Stuff?

Threads of Hope Part 2 (Questions and Answers)

2008-06-07T10:12:00.002-05:00

I finally went to my first bible study called Threads of Hope (for those who suffered a loss of an infant). First of all I want to say that my leader, Eileen, is wonderful. She surprised me with her insite, she is obviously very experienced in meeting with women who have gone through situations similiar to my own. What I appreciated the most about our first meeting was her ability to ask the "right" questions. Not only did my answers help her to see where I was at with my grief but they also revealed to me a little about what I need. Here are some of her questions and parts of my answers:

1. Did you hold your baby?
Yes, we both did.
How did it make you feel?
SAD!
Are you glad that you did?
Definitly. I'm so thankful that we didn't give up our one chance to hold her in this lifetime.

2. Have you held any newborns since then and how did you feel?
Yes, I have held both my friend's baby and my neice. I've held my friend Sarah's baby several times and feel different each time. Most of the time I just feel helpful and thankful that I get to enjoy a baby for a short while but other times its a painful reminder of what I lost and that statically most women will carry their babies to term and have a baby to bring home at the end. When I held my neice it made me sad that she wouldn't grow up with my baby, that they wouldn't be these great cousin-friends. That doesn't mean that I think I should stop holding babies, it just means that it makes me sad (but going to Wal-mart makes me sad so why shouldn't a baby???).

3. Have you had many days that you don't want to get out of bed?
Sure, but that feeling doesn't last long. I wake up everyday and am reminded of what happened. But staying in bed only makes me more depressed and it also makes my 5 year old very impatient.

4. Do you have days that you just want to stay home?
Sure, I hid out for a good month, up until we took our trip to Florida. There are a lot less painful reminders at home- no baby sections, pregnant women or women five years younger than me with 4 kids. But most days I'm up for "risking it" rather than staying home all day. Actually, our van is in the shop this week (maybe the fuel pump is what Jake says) so we've been jungling one car this week. I found myself feeling frustrated not relieved to have an excuse to stay home.

5. Do people ask too many questions?
No! They don't ask enough. This really happened to me, this huge tragic thing. Its my story and I want to share it. I want to share my journey through it. Its helpful and healing to me. Its frustrating when I know people are scared to ask and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable so instead, nothing is said.

6. If you get pregnant again will you be a nervous wreck the whole time?
Ummm, YES! I'm scared to even think about it. I was a nervous wreck with Norah so I'm sure it would be amplified.

SNAP

2008-06-06T14:46:00.002-05:00

We found this snapping turtle under our deck after ONE of our recent storms. He wasn't interested in our weeds and his visit was short lived because when we returned from having a s'more at a neighbor's house he had left (without even a goodbye).

The decision

2008-06-04T14:34:00.002-05:00

The reason that I haven't been blogging lately doesn't have anything to do with indecisiveness concerning my blog or the idea of forming a new blog. Everyone helped me to decide right away to keep one random thought blog. I think I've just been busy doing some couponing and maybe feeling a little unfocused. But I really appreciate every one's willingness to read my sad and repetitive posts as we continue to grieve and process our loss.

An update on what we're thinking and going through:

Jonah is talking a LOT more about it. He asks about Norah and talks a little like he doesn't understand that she won't be coming to our house. There isn't a lot of sadness, just some matter-of-factness. Then he promptly morphs into his Power Ranger of choice. It adds to our saddness when he brings it up but we are glad that he feels like he CAN bring it up instead of it becoming this deep dark pain that we avoid for the next 50 years.

There is nothing new with the medical aspect, meaning we still have no clue why this happened to us. I have one more appointment, its with the specialist that helped us to get pregnant. I'm not being too hopeful that he will tell us anything different than the other doctors have.

Jake and I are still both pretty sad. Weekdays have been tough for Jake when he has to try and focus on work where weekends are harder for me because they tend not to be has scheduled as during the week. Lately I find myself really frustrated with the fact that I am no longer pregnant, yet should be. I can't help it- whether I'm running with my small group though the rain to find shelter from a possible tornado or following J through our local zoo I'm thinking "I should be pregnant right now."

I'm also feeling the need to know "what is next?" while Jake is certianly feeling like we shouldn't make any decisions right now (which is what our conselor says). I like to plan and not having one is driving me crazy! I've tried to be content with being planless for the past 3 months and that's about all I can take. I'm ready for adoption info and stats on our chances of this happening again. I'm ready to secure some sort of job for the fall. I'm ready to do something! We're choosing to "chill" a little longer and pray a lot more, but its hard. I'm a women of action, so until we are up to big decisions I'll guess I'll stick to the little ones like what color to paint the spare room or if we should join the neighborhood pool.

The couponing craze

2008-05-29T16:47:00.005-05:00

Recently my friend Sarah began couponing with a passion. In her wisdom she has a discovered a VERY helpful blog that does much of the work for you. In the past I've always been unsucessful at finding coupons on the internet and others deals involving combining several offers. But MoneySavingMom does all of the work for you in one easy to read and informative blog. If she is telling you about a deal involving an internet coupon then the link is right there. She also gives you different senerios for how to save money at a particular store, walks you through rebate offers and other things you might be new at and posts reader's grocery shopping trips for the week.

In Sarah's blog she talks about her recent trips to CVS and Target and the money she saved. Today, since I was on that part of town, I gave it a try. It is the trend on these money saving sites to take pictures of your deals, so here is mine:

Both Sarah and MoneySavingMom describe in detail how you get can get these deals, so I won't do that. But I will say that I spent $5.54 (I will not get back) and got everthing in the above picture (6 regular size Pantene products, each with 2 sample size bottles of shampoo or conditioner; 2 tubes of Aquafresh and 2 Colgate toothbrushes). It did get back two $5 Target gift cards and over $7 in CVS cash register rewards (to be used in 30 days on my next purchase).

The above was fun and maybe a good deal, but my favorite thing about Sarah's research is that she discovered that you can now put coupons on your Kroger card! I've tried that before on the Kroger web site but it wasn't working yet, and now it is! MoneySavingMom has three links on her recent post "Krogering and e-coupons" where with very little work you can upload the coupons to your card. When you click "pay now" at the self check-out the coupons are deducted. MoneySavingMom also says that you can use e-coupons with manufacter coupons from the paper to get even better deals or possibly the item for free! I didn't have the right coupons to combine but I did use the e-coupons to get both Wisk laundry soap, Jake's very expensive shampoo, bread, and english muffins all for the price that I usually pay for the shampoo.

I'm loving having other people in the money saving blogging world help me save money!

Threads of Hope

2008-05-29T16:18:00.002-05:00

Over the last two months many people, mostly in the medical profession, have given me information about grief support groups. Without exception they have said things like "it may or may not work you", "everyone doesn't like them" or "its worth giving it a try" when referring to support groups. Since I haven't gotten a positive report and wasn't sure about the reason for their hesitancy, I took my time joining one.

On one of the papers I was given "Threads of Hope" was starred being that is was specific to pregnancy loss and stillbirth. I called them last week and someone returned my call on Saturday morning. The lady said that she always meets one on one for the first meeting.

Today was our scheduled meeting, at the local crisis pregnancy center. I was pretty uncomfortable sitting in the lobby with three 18 year old moms. Especially when one of them started talking about how kids are "drags." But I was soon called back by a very nice lady named Eileen, maybe in her 60's (who has colicular implants so I had to remember to speak clearly). When she started our conversation with the fact that she lost a baby 30 years I thought that this might be a repeat of our first counseling experience (where the couselor was extremly emotional). But that turned out not to be true at all. She was great and has met with many women in my situation.

It also looks like that this is NOT a support group (so I guess I won't find out the reason for all of the warnings) but instead a nine week bible study entitled "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" by Teale Fackler and Gwen Kik. I go through it one on one with the leader and then if she feels I am ready she will pair me up with someone who has had a similar experience. AND she usually meets with women like me at night, so we can avoid the lobby "traffic" that is hard for me to handle right now.

Before I left she gave me a pretty white beaded bracelet with a tiny silver footprint charm. She said she would have many little gifts to give me over the next several weeks to help in the healing and hoping process. I thought that was very sweet but it also made me feel good to be in class (that is what Eileen calls it) and that I'm definilty not the only one who has gone has experienced a pregnancy loss and the even more hopeful thing is that those women survived it!

Too Much?

2008-05-27T14:54:00.002-05:00

Lately many friends have commented on how deep, transparent, or sad my blog has become. My question has been: too sad? too transparent? too deep?

All of the grief info says to not make any major decisions in the next 12 months, but I'm thinking adding another blog isn't what they are talking about (no job transfers to the West Coast for us right now). So that's my question: should I add a grief blog and focus on the process that I'm going through in hopes that it will help someone in google land going through a similiar situation? I think stories about how my five year old typically picks rather professional type adults to be evil orges (such as Jake's lawyer uncle or my Sunday School teacher) for him to fight using his power ranger moves isn't what they want to read. Also, many of you would probably rather skip the saddness and go right to the above mentioned power ranger story.

So do I keep Tales of a Stay-at-Home mom (but maybe change the name since I might no longer be one) and another grief focused blog (title needed as well) or do I leave it all here in one big hodgepodge?

In Need of an Analogy

2008-05-27T14:24:00.002-05:00

Often I feel so sad I might describe it as "my heart being slowing ripped from my chest." Or I might feel so shocked or depressed that I feel "like I was hit by a bus." But lately I've been very frustrated. But as frustrated as what? Like I could spit nails? I think that is usually used to describe anger and spitting nails? I have trouble imagining it so I don't think I can validate using it to describe my feelings!

Even though I can't think of the right analogy, I can explain the reasons why I've been frustrated:
1. People keep asking what my plans are for the summer.

Hmmmm...well, I didn't think I could travel so we definitely don't have any trips planned. I thought I might be digging out the baby stuff and putting a bedroom together- so there goes my "home improvement plans." My plans? Well, today I feel like I was hit by a truck and tomorrow I'll probably feel as if my heart is being ripped out so, surviving? Is that an appropriate response? I have a goal to NOT cry more and more as August 5th approaches and to somehow be a little bit of a fun Mommy so J doesn't beg to go to Kindergarten summer school just so he can get out of our depressing house!

2. Money Lost.

Ugh. There are bills, bills and more bills. Over three years of treatments and meds not to mention what we racked up in our two day emergency. And the endless amounts spent on gas to go to out of town appointments. My mother-in-law just reminded me how expensive gravestones are. Ugh again. I was suppose to be buying cute little girl stuff this summer, NOT, of all things, a gravestone.

3. Time Lost.

I didn't feel well for a least a year before I got pregnant due to fertility meds. I spent many evenings on the couch. And that only increased when I got pregnant. I felt well very few days out of the whole five months. It makes me so mad to think of the days I slept on the couch while J watch an extra hour of TV. And all of the times I was on some kind of restricted movement or bedrest. J still questions when I lift him at the playground "you can lift me, Mommy?", since I hadn't been able to for half a year. Most people have morning sickness or go on bedrest and come out with a baby at the end, I however, did not.

But they say that you can't win the prize if you didn't run the race, right? We're just not guaranteed a place in the winners circle.

Epilogue

2008-05-21T14:51:00.003-05:00

I think I have admitted before that I read way too much historical Christian Romances. I'm trying to branch out, I really am. But the point is that I was reading one a few weeks ago and noticed when I finished the book there was, of course, a happy ending. Following the Happy Ending there was an Epilogue. "Oh No" I thought, this is where they have the baby (I'll say again, I've read A LOT of Christian Romances). So I read how the newly married couple (who met under unusual circumstances and over came nearly impossible obstacles) where expecting their first baby, blah blah blah.

That led me to this deep thought which I been mulling over for almost a month now: Have I ALREADY got my Happy Ending? Is anything else just the Epilogue, the icing, the bonus or however you want to put it?

AND, if that is true, how do I enjoy my Happy Ending instead of just waiting around for the Epilogue? How do we NOT put our life on hold and enjoy what we have been blessed with? I mean I do have a very healthly little boy and a Linux loving husband who loves me too. Granted, we have to continue to mourn what we have lost, but is it possible to live as though our life is complete (and really believe it) when I've felt the incompleteness staring me hard in the face for three years? Can I just be hopeful for an Epilogue but not overtaken by the the desire?

Maybe this was a senseless post. Or maybe I'm not the only one hoping for an Epilogue of some kind (probably in other types of fiction different things happen during the Epilogue...).

Kindergarten Bound

2008-05-16T10:36:00.004-05:00

Jonah on his first day of pre-school back in September.

Jonah and his best friend at the end of the year picnic. He LOVES his friend Brylan (who he has pronounced Brawlin all year up until the last few weeks then we suddenly began saying it Bri(long I)lan, I found out yesterday that the 2nd way is the correct way). But apparently, according to his teachers, they were inseparable all year long! They will be going to different kindergartens, which J is very sad about. He keeps asking me "how will I make new friends?"

Since we are officially finished with pre-school I guess that technically means we are now a kindergartner (sigh).

"Jesus the Soccer Star"

2008-05-16T10:08:00.002-05:00

It the midst of everything our new camera came in and we FINALLY have video capablilites. This is my first experience with posting something on YouTUBE.

This is a video from the closing program for our Wednesday night Chrisitian Life Club at church. Jonah would be front and center doing a little air guitar followed by some power ranger moves.

Completely Unconclusive

2008-05-14T15:27:00.002-05:00

My doctor called this week with the results of my final round of tests. The good news is that I do not have a scary disease. The bad news is that they didn't find anything, not even a little disease like I was hoping for. Something easily curable that had obviously caused the unthinkable to happen would be nice. But they, of course, found nothing.

He also shared that he had only see this happen (I assume that he met premature rupture of membranes that results in infant death) 3 other times since he has been practicing here in town which I think he said was 5 or 6 years. For some reason I think if he had said "this happens more often than you think" I would be comforted by that somehow. But instead I've spent the last 24 hours feeling more frustrated than sad or depressed. Medical professionals have found no reason why this happened, and therefore they don't know if it will happen again or if it was related to our infertility or infertility treatment. It could have just happened and be related to nothing. It could have been caused by some infection that hasn't revealed what it was or where it came from.

I think my frustration is justified. The little girl we dreamed about was taken from me, I feel robbed and no one can tell me why or if it will happen again! I think I need to go back to Florida where I'm surrounded my AARP members (not pregnant women and those with many small children)and sunshine! And to top off my frustation a nurse prac from the infertility specialist's office is suppose to call today to give their input and I left my phone in my friend's bathroom...

The key chain culprit

2008-05-14T15:10:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I had loaded my van up with TP, charcoal, and two weeks worth of groceries and was preparing to drive home and drop off my goods before picking up Jonah from pre-school. When I got in the van and stuck my key in the ignition I was surprised that the key wouldn't turn. I had remembered that a couple of times in the past that the steering wheel had locked up on the car and that if I gave it some muscle I could unlock it and that would allow the key to turn. But the steering wheel didn't really feel locked, but I tried anyway. I called Jake and he told me to try harder. I did and in the process really locked up the steering wheel.

Jake met me in the Aldi's parking lot to confirm that the steering wheel wasn't the problem, that it had to be in the lock. He called AAA and asked them to send a locksmith. We then rushed to drop off the cold stuff at home and to get Jonah. I dropped Jake off at work and went back to Aldi's only to meet a tow truck, not a locksmith. But he kindly towed my van to his locksmith of choice who says that they fix this kind of stuff all day long. Two hours later it was finished. A tumbler or something like that had broke within the lock, apparently it happens a lot with Chrysler mini vans. They also said that heavy key chains can be the culprit. Maybe I only need 1 LED flashlight, not two. But I'm keeping the whistle.

Mother's Day vs. the day before and the day after

2008-05-14T14:43:00.002-05:00

Honestly, I was a little afraid of Mother's Day this year, I thought it might be a little more sad than most days. But my brother wanted to have everyone over for a cookout so we skipped church and town and headed to his house a couple of hours away in my parents' van. It was pouring down rain and hanging out with his in-laws was a welcome distraction, especially when Jonah could be heard saying "I'm not you're boyfriend" to my brother's 3 year old niece whenever she tried to hold his hand. When we got home we headed straight for a high school graduation party where Jonah followed around his favorite tween and Jake and I hung out with friends and watched home movies of the graduate. Before we went to bed that night Jake told me that he would refinish our dining room table for me for Mother's Day. Oh yeah, I had forgotten the day I was trying to forget!

The day before Mother's Day was unexpectedly much more sad than the holiday that I had feared. It was my first big garage sale day of the season and my mom and I were consistently reminded of things that I was SUPPOSE to be buying. It was sad to pass up the snuggly still in the box and the "in good condition" changing table. My dad wisely made the sales where we could see a sea of pink "drive-bys".

That brings me to the day after Mother's Day. I'm a little embarrassed about what happened that morning and Jake keeps laughing about it. I had signed up for a a few coupons via the internet with various baby product companies when I had found out that we were having a girl. In the past 6 weeks I had calming unsubscribed whenever I something ended up in my inbox. I had received one coupon in the mail which Jake tried to throw away without me seeing it. I rescued it to give to my friend Sarah because I'm not so depressed that I would throw away a $1.50 diaper coupon! But the e-mails have stopped except from Gerber. I have tried before to unsubscribe and was obviously unsuccessful. I attempted to try again on Monday only to find myself on a screen that said "Norah is on her way". Unsubscribe, unsubscribe, UNSUBSCRIBE! I was anything but calm when I called this poor lady from Gerber who said that she would walk it down there herself RIGHT NOW. I only hope that she could understand me enough over my sobs to give IT the right info or their e-mails will continue to taunt me (I did mark them as spam in hopes that that will take care of it if that was the case).

Beach Bum Photos

2008-05-02T14:45:00.003-05:00

We loved the sunshine, but we almost enjoyed nights on the beach even better! Above are some pics from both.

Notice Jonah be a "sand monster". Jumping into the ocean followed by laying facedown in the sand kept him entertained for several chapters of the books we were reading...

I would rather have been bitten by a snake

2008-04-29T14:33:00.003-05:00

Today I went to the lab to have a large amount of blood taken, for one final attempt to find out what went wrong a month ago. My doctor recommended that I check with my insurance company first, that sometimes they don't want to cover these types of tests. Since bills are coming in from three different doctors, two different hospitals and radiologists, one ambulance service and one anesthesiologist I figured I should do what I could to avoid a $2000 lab bill.

I called the lab, gave them the names of five hard to pronounce lab tests and they in return gave me many sets of numbers. I then called my insurance company and gave them these codes. After being on hold twice the benefits specialist got back on the line and asked if I had been bitten my a snake. WHAT? Have I been bitten by a snake??? Maybe being bitten by a venomous snake would have been less painful but apparently some of the same tests that they do when they are checking for the amount of venom in your body (or something like that) are the same they do for recurrent pregnancy lost. I'm pretty clueless about all of that, but WHAT??? A snake???

Sarsota Jungle Garden Photos

2008-04-28T15:10:00.004-05:00

One of our favorite activites that we did last week was visit the Jungle Gardens. An overgrown area swamp area in Sarasota was transformed into an educational garden that provides homes for injured animals. Here we are holding parrots, feeding flamingos, and petting an aligator (and pretending to be lemors).

Florida Lessons

2008-04-28T14:27:00.002-05:00

Here are a few things that I discovered while on our recent getaway to Sarasota, FL.:

Cell phones do not like the pool. Although my friend Amanda says that they don't mind being thrown in the laundry, we did find out that Jake's phone does not like being in his pocket while he is in 5 foot deep water throwing our five year old around. It is now an ex-phone.

Turtle Beach is a little more family friendly than Siesta Key Beach. Yes, Siesta Key is large and beautiful, has this great white sand, decent waves and a huge concession stand but it has major parking problems and is very crowded! Just down the key a little we discovered (on our last day) that Turtle Beach has tons of parking, great showers, and is MUCH less crowded. We sat right on the waters edge and read our books while Jonah ran back and forth. Well worth dealing with coarser sand (it brushes off much easier anyway!)!

Carry more than one credit card. Despite the fact that Turtle Beach Pub is right across from the beach and has great grouper sandwiches that you can enjoy in your bathing suit it does NOT except Discover card. So make sure husband puts something else in his "mini wallet" (I think he made up the mini wallet for this trip, it was the first I heard of it, and hopefully the last...) for the next beach excerison or someone well have to run back to the condo...

A five year old can be a much better traveler than 2 grown-ups. Someone was just telling us yesterday, and we agreed, that once you hit the big 3-0 you have less tolerance for long car trips, ones that you used to enjoy in your college days. After being in the car for 14 hours one day Jake and I were getting antsy and cranky with each other but Jonah was happily playing with his Power Rangers in the back seat. When asked how he was doing he always said, "I'm happy". I think he only watched 3 hours of movies on that 14 hour day!

Condos, expecially free ones, are the way to go. Jakes's aunt and uncle were very generous to lend us their condo last week. It was wonderful having plenty of space, a pool, and a full kitchen. We didn't have to go out to eat for every meal and saved a little money that way. It was so much more fun and relaxing than a small hotel room.

I need to move to Florida for medical reasons.
Just before our trip I went to the dentist feeling SURE that I had major work that needed to be done because my upper teeth were bothering me a lot. The dentist said that he couldn't find anything and that where I was pointing probably meant that my sinuses cavities were giving me trouble. Everything was fine in FL but now that we've been back two days I've been sneezing and experiences that discomfort all over again.

Sunshine helps, but doesn't solve everything. Both the grief counselor and one of my doctors encouraged us to take this trip- that being somewhere warm and sunny would improve our outlook. It was very relaxing and the time together was great, but you know, you can cry just as hard in sunny Florida as you can in 40 degree IL weather! But I knew that, and I did have some breakdowns (expecially after the credit card incident) but I am glad that we got away. It was a nice distraction. It also gave us time to think and talk and continue to process what happened. We don't have any anwsers but I do feel a little more ready for "life" now that we are back.

My candle holder is NOT possessed

2008-04-18T16:13:00.002-05:00

I was at the docotor's today and they were taking a survey to see what we thought the earthquake "was" when it happened at 4:30 this morning. It turns out that there four votes for thinking that a particular object was "possessed" (there was one vote for a toranado).

When we woke up to our free standing wraught iron candle holder vibrating on the dresser Jake went to check it out, in a very sleepy state. "Is it an earthquake?" I ask. He takes all of the candles off, puts them back on, gets back into bed and says "its just the candleholder". He promptly falls back to sleep. I have trouble sleeping because I'm just sure that "something" has overtaken my candleholder. A special thanks to my small group who talked about demon possession this week...

I've never been so glad to receive a phone call prior to 7am from a concerned friend checking to see if we were okay. I'm was also glad to hear him say that there was in fact an earthquake!

Jonah and Week Two

2008-04-13T08:04:00.002-05:00

We made it through another week. I had some bad days but some okay days as well. I'm pretty sure that Jonah wore the same pair of plaid boxers for most of the week, but if that's the only thing I spaced on then I'm doing pretty good, right?

Speaking of Jonah, here are three "Jonah" stories since I've neglected to write about him recently:

Story One
Apparently Jonah has been processing everything that has happened to us over the last weeks because when we left him with a friend he recapped it all for her. She said he was pretty accurate concerning the order of events and even mentioned that he would see his little sister in heaven one day. He did say that her mode of transporation to heaven was in fact a spaceship, which our friend did not argue with. It sounded pretty cool to her, us too!

Story Two
This week made it clear that a milestone is approaching for us- kindergarten screening was Thursday. Jonah was excited and I only cried once (not so much about him going off to school soon, that will come later, but they asked him if he had brothers and sisters and apparently he told the whole story..). Anyway, the tester marked him as "borderline" ready because he confused his ankle and heel, did not know he had a jaw, and wrote a couple of letters in his name backwards. But his language skills are excellent (no kidding). We've already squared away the body parts issue and I knew we needed to work on our handwriting so I'm not stressing to much. I'm just thankful that he is looking forward to going to this "new school".

Story Three
In the midst of everything I decided to go ahead with having the garage sale with my parents and that we had planned before my life was turned upside down. I thought it would be a welcome distraction and it was. We didn't sell much on Sat. due to the SNOW but on Friday we did well, we moved a lot of toys. I split the toy profit with Jonah, an incentive to encourage him to put some toys in the sale. He made $10.50, which was $3 short of the Power Ranger Solar Morphers that he wants to purchase at the store. Jake thought it was a good idea to give him jobs to earn nine more quarters (he had a little cash in his piggy bank). But we ran out of quarter jobs for a five year old to do, so if you have any tables that need to be washed or wood chips that need to be swept- we've got the kid for the job!

"I want to splash at the beach"

2008-04-09T14:18:00.002-05:00

The title of this post is a quote from Jonah who helped us decide our vacation destination. Thanks to everyone who gave us some great ideas, they all sounds nice and relaxing to me, but really I was having trouble making a decision and Jake was vetoing everything. But then Jonah put in his two cents which reminded Jake to remind me that his uncle did have a condo close to the beach in Florida.

Free lodging along with Jonah's request helped us to put our vacation location search to an end. So we are off in just a little more than a week to enjoy a relaxing week at the beach and I even think I talked Jake into doing something the typical tourist might do- visit Busch Gardens (he still couldn't be talked into Disney World). Now that our lodging is taken care of we are still trying to decide if we are going to fly or drive (even the travel agent suggested we drive because flights to Florida are high right now). But checking out rates and so forth is keeping me busy for the time being, which has been good for me. But I'm thinking a little sun and sand might even be better!

80's radio

2008-04-08T15:45:00.002-05:00

So my link on my previous blog doesn't appear to be playing the Bangles every time...sorry, if you want to hear it YOU will probably be more capable at finding it than I am. Maybe you can even leave a link in a comment for all of those who are way sad...

Grief Counseling and Krogering

2008-04-08T15:29:00.002-05:00

Last night we went to our first grief counseling session. We did not know this counselor previously, Jake set it up through his work. It turns that the lady we saw had an experience similar to ours, so she could relate. Which I thought at first might be nice, but she ended up being emotional along with us and said that she still wasn't "over" the fact that she couldn't have more than one child (even though it had been thirty years). Hmmmmm...not what I really wanted to hear at my counseling appointment. Maybe she was just being realistic, but it didn't make me feel very hopeful! But she did give us a little bit of helpful advice about dealing with grief on a daily basis and said that I wasn't showing any signs of postpartum or clinical depression.

Taking my counselor's adivce of staying busy, I ran to Krogers today because even in my current state of saddness I still have trouble passing up a Mega 10 deal at my favorite store for getting grocery bargains. I did my shopping, got my 10 items and didn't have a nervous breakdown of any sort, even when I passed the baby food. The real therapy came when I was picking up some pretzels and "Manic Monday" by the Bangles, one of my favorite 80's songs, came on.

Try this out, maybe it will make your day too(beware, if you're not familar with this song that there is a not very nice part in it that I probably didn't understand back in the fifth grade...)!

One week

2008-04-04T15:00:00.002-05:00

Today is the first of many anniversaries of our little baby's death. It doesn't seem like its already been a week. Is that good because time isn't crawling by? Or bad because it still seems like it JUST happened? I'm not sure, but yesterday was a lot more difficult than today.

We have received lots of cards, flowers, gifts, meals, and words of wisdom over this last week. Today alone I found 8 cards in the mail box, one which included a check from a group of friends in Arkansas to help meet any needs that we might have, I'm not sure about hospital bills yet but Disney World might be a more immediate need... Another revealed that a donation was being made to St. Jude in Norah's honor. On my porch was another box from FTD with the cutest flowering trio inside, complete with a pot set (it didn't say it who it was from, so fess up). I also received a call that meals were going to be brought to my house for most of the next two weeks. Which is wonderful since I've already failed at Wal-mart. I'm not sure if it was planned for us to get all of these things today, but it was perfect timing! Thanks all!

I have gotten lots of calls (and emails and blog comments), some with words of wisdom and some who just listen to me babble (some with both, all are GREAT). Here are just a couple that I have taken to heart:

"You may want to plan everything, but you CAN'T plan your grief."-Brooke (So true, and I know now that I am wasting my time if I try)

"You are not suppose to be okay, what happened to you is NOT okay"- Sara (very simple, but it reminds me that melting down is normal in this abnormal situation).

The Last Straw (a post on processing)

2008-04-03T10:21:00.002-05:00

Jonah knows that now that he is 5 he has to drink from cups like a big boy, only straws at resturants. But this morning he tried to get away with it and I had a complete breakdown. I was thinking, I don't care about straws, I just want my baby back. That led me to believe that the shock is wearing off. That I likely will not say that I'm okay when someone asks (just a warning). Things are starting to get processed and I'm begining to wonder:
1. Why did this freak thing that never happens, happen to me?

2. What am I going to do come August when J goes to school? I'm a stay-at-home mom, that means I'm suppose to have kids to stay at home with. AND will I have to change the name of my blog? I definitly couldn't handle that...

3. How am I'm going to "do life"? I was staring at the sauce packets at Wal-mart today when my Wed. night co-teacher called and said he was bringing me dinner tomorrow night. That is good I thought, because all I have in my cart is a jar of artichokes, a carton of sour cream and a thing of cinnamon. My family is going to starve, or have some interesting meals if I don't figure out how to shop soon (Friends have brought by a few meals this week, which has be wonderful, so please don't think we are really going to starve!).

4. And of course, the question that has been plaguing me since 2004, will I ever have another child???

I think it goes without saying that my posts have gone from funny J stories to sad updates to sticky emotional vomit. So don't feel like you have to keep reading them (there is always my hubbie's Linux posts if you want something a lot less emotional (and interesting) to read).

Librarian induced meltdown

2008-04-01T15:02:00.004-05:00

So today I took Jonah to pre-school because I'm determined to keep him on some sort of schedule. But then I had this time on my hands and ended up at the library. I thought it might be good to pick up a book or two since I'm suppose to be taking it easy and I'm running out of episodes of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I soon found out that I had a $12.65 fine for a Veggie Tale video that I forgot to return. I just can't believe that in the midst of my life crashing down that I forgot to return The Minnesota Cuke. Please. I paid that fine with only a few sniffles but then she proceeded to spell out carefully to me when my books are due, so this doesn't happen again. Come on, I am a responsible homemaker who gets embarassed over things like over due library books. So I therefore apologize to my mother-in-law and grandparents who are probably reading this, but really I couldn't help but think of a few things the librarian could do with that particular video. It was really everything I could do not to have a melt down. But then I got home after picking up Jonah and had FTD flowers from SE Asia on my front porch so I felt better. Thanks Jon and Amanda-you just saved a innocent librarian from my (equally innocent and non-harmful) wrath.

Over

2008-03-31T15:00:00.000-05:00

We are finally home, again. We had the graveside service yesterday afternoon. Jake did a great job planning it. I really wanted it to be short and simple, but I am glad that he took the time to plan a meaningful farewell to our baby. Thanks to all who came, expecially the guys that traveled far inorder to perform the service.

So now Jake is at work and Jonah is having his rest time and I am suppose to be resting as well. And I'm wondering, now what? Jake has suggested moving to a small island, possibly off the coast of New Zealand, where I can teach English and he can be a beach bum who writes sad songs and poetry. I'm thinking maybe we could just take a family vacation- to getaway and remind ourselves that we can still have fun, but to also celebrate the family that we DO have. I didn't have to come home with empty arms to an empty house, but instead to an energetic five year old who thinks he is a power ranger. I'm thankful for that (well, maybe not for the power ranger part...).

The question is, where should be go? I think planning a vacation would be good for me right now when I'm suppose to be taking it easy but of course, Jake and I can't agree on where to go. I suggested Disney World and he votes for the Grand Canyon. We agreed that we need to compromise, something less tourist driven than DW but more relaxing than the GC. Suggestions?

Directions Update

2008-03-29T16:59:00.002-05:00

A couple updates about the directions:

1. The name of the road that the cemetery is on is Sweet Gum.
2. Oak Mound Lane is marked as such on both the east and west ends. On the west end, there's also a big sign for Oak Mound Church.
3. The name of the north/south road on the west side of Oak Mound Lane is Xenia-Iola Rd. If you have to stop at a random house and ask somebody for directions, though, (good luck w/ the cell phone coverage), you'll want to refer to it as the "Xenia-Iola Blacktop".
4. If you're coming from the east, be careful in the woodsy part (the Lost 40)--they had some bad flooding several weeks ago and it damaged the road, so there's some serious potholes.

Hope that helps. Again, if you can't make it, don't feel obligated at all--we've really appreciated everybody's comments, emails and phone calls. Thanks so much.

Map to Cemetery

2008-03-28T20:28:00.002-05:00

Hopefully, this'll work (this is Jake posting again).

Here's a link to a google map of location of the cemetary where we're holding the funeral. Please don't feel obligated, if you can't make it. It's just a lot easier to post directions here than to explain a million times. You'll see why in a second.

If you click on 'Oak Mound Cemetary' (cemetAry? cemetEry? how do you spell that?), one of the options it gives you is 'driving directions to here'. Click on that, and put in your address or hometown.

Decatur folks, it should take you down 121 a short ways and then through Shelbyville and Cowden.

And to really shake things up, here's the same map, in this very web page (if this works, I'll be stunned):

View Larger Map

To clarify, it's just off Oak Mound Lane, outside Xenia, IL. If none of the above work for you, do a search for "Oak Mound Lane, Xenia IL." The road marked 500N is Oak Mound Lane. The graveyard is just south on the road marked CR-400E. If you come on Oak Mound Lane from the east (south from Effingham on 45, to Hwy 50), it'll be the 2nd intersection after you turn onto 50. If you come from the west, it's the first left after the big S curve.

They finally paved it all, so you don't have to worry about that.

Home

2008-03-28T18:50:00.003-05:00

We were released from the hospital today. My blood levels were normal and I'm fever free which means that the infection did not settle into my body. We are glad to be home although I'm not sure if I'm ready for "life" yet.

It was very sweet to come home and find our bedroom cleaner than it has ever been (I didn't know that Jake had a dresser top), dinner in the fridge, all maturinty and baby stuff stashed away, and an awesome basket full of pamper-me-products (I'm wearing my cute pj's as I type). Thanks Brooke and Sarah, everything you did was wonderful and just what we needed!

Jonah has been with my parents the last few days. I don't think he knows exactly what is going on. We are not very excited about telling him but think he will handle it fine. I don't think she was very real to him yet and probably lacks an emotional attachment. We will tell him in the morning when he returns from my parents. Will he ask lots of questions or tell us all about the movies he watched at Ninny and Papa's?

Norah Rose

2008-03-28T12:35:00.002-05:00

We named our dear sweet baby in heaven Norah Rose. She was 1 lb 13 oz and 10 inches long.

I think Jake mentioned that we are having a short gravesite service at Oak Mound
Cemetary in Flora, IL at (we think) 3pm on Sunday. Frank and Bright Funeral home have been so sweet, they provide everything for FREE because they feel that no one should have to go through this (we agree).

We are holding up okay today. Your comments have helped A LOT!

Overnight Details

2008-03-28T09:36:00.002-05:00

This is Jake posting--Jenn's sleeping.

First of all I wanted to thank everybody for your comments--that really means a lot to us.

Second, this is the details post, so if you're not up for that, here's the quick summary:

Jenn and I are doing just fine physically, but are both really tired/hungry. We're tentatively planning a funeral for the baby in Flora late Sunday afternoon.

Ok, so on to the whole story.

Late afternoon yesterday, Jenn started getting some cramping and some light contractions. A few minutes later (coincidentally), the doctor came in to give her medicine to induce labor.

We sat around waiting for something to happen for a long time. Jenn got an epidural, but no mind-altering drugs. One good thing about all this: it confirmed for Jenn that she made the right decision with Jonah not to have an epidural--she hated not being able to feel or move her legs.

About 3:00 in the morning, things really started. She had about a half an hour of craziness, strong contractions--15 minutes of it was pushing. And then the baby came--stillborn.

I held her and cried for a while. Then we let them take her away and I fell asleep. Jenn says they slowly got her ready to move, and eventually moved her over to a post-partum room.

She's doing just fine physically, but is way too tired to much more than really confused and sort of sad emotionally. I imagine it'll be different once she gets caught up on sleep.

They're planning on releasing her late this afternoon--she's got to get some rest and one more round of antibiotics first.

We're planning a funeral, probably Sunday afternoon, so people can get there if they want (no pressure), in Flora, IL.

I don't know about visitors--I don't know if we're really up for that today. Maybe later at home--I dunno. When we have official details, we'll post back.

Thanks for your support, everybody--it really means a lot.

Sad

2008-03-27T17:00:00.002-05:00

So I have an infection that is setting in on both me and the baby. They are taking her tonight in order to hopefully save my uterus from having lasting damage, which could happen even if we waited until the morning.

I have asked to be knocked out as much as possible, so I will be out of it for awhile.

Pray that we can get through this. Also, we will post sometime when we will be having a graveside for our little girl that will soon be in heaven.

More Bad News

2008-03-27T11:54:00.003-05:00

Early this morning (5:00 am!), my water broke completely.

We headed to the hospital. They did tests and things and decided to send me to Carle Clinic in Champaign.

Here, they're going to run some tests and whatnot, and will hold me till either things go bad or the baby's delivered.

We saw the nurse practioner...she said 70% of people go into labor within a week of their water breaking. And that right now is a critical time for the baby's lung development, something the fluid really helps with.

If the baby's born right now, or w/in a week, it probably won't make it. Even just a little later and it might make it but have substantial handicaps (blindness, severe mental retardation, etc).

Or if we went past 30 weeks, the baby might not be born with fully developed lungs. You can imagine how much of a problem that would be.

We're hanging in there, but are pretty sad. Right now, they're running tesst to make sure I don't have any infections.

It's scary and probably bad news, but we're trying to hold out and be positive.

Keep praying!

Perinatalist

2008-03-26T17:18:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a perinatalist at Carle Clinic. I guess that means he's a specialist in both fetal and maternal medicine. We are very thankful to get in to see him so quickly and are just tryig to take it one day at a time. Tonight I'm thinking, if I can just make it to this appointment...

In the mean time Jonah will be playing at different friends' houses and Jake has been taking care of scheduling that as well as everything else! Its been hard on all of us already and its only been two days. But we are hopeful about our appointment tomorrow, maybe he'll be able to give us an idea of what to expect.

Nightmare

2008-03-26T09:25:00.002-05:00

You know how you wake up from a bad dream and realize it was just a dream? And you are SO glad that you don't have to face the consequences of stealing a car or being lost in a dark field alone(mine usually don't get much crazier than that).

Today I woke up and thought for just a second that what happened yesterday was just a bad dream. But soon realized that my nightmare was in fact real. I really am leaking amniotic fluid at only 21 weeks pregnant. This is very scary because if I lose too much they will have to take the baby whose chances of survival are VERY slim at this point.

Please pray for us! The best thing that could happen is for the hole in my placenta to heal its self, which means that I likely could carry her to term. If that doesn't happen then the next best thing would be for enough fluid to be contained (yesterday there was plenty) for her to be able to develop for at least 3 more weeks, 7 more would be much better!

I will try to post regularly on this blog baby updates, but still feel like you can call and e-mail. I'm on complete bedrest and can use the "company".

Avoiding a 4 month long discussion (maybe)

2008-03-20T16:12:00.002-05:00

We've been avoiding the "name talk" since we've found out that we were pregnant. Maybe we haven't actually been avoiding it so much as we just haven't really gotten around to having a real discussion about it. As I approached that 20 week mark we decided that maybe should at least talk about it a little.

With Little J, I knew what I wanted to name a boy and and we quickly formed a short list in case it was a girl. Naming our firstborn seemed pretty easy. But since then we realized that we could not agree on another boy name. Maybe I have been avoiding this talk for that very reason.

The talk went the same way it has in the past, Big J rejects every name I suggest and in return comes back with a ridiculous one. His current "favorite" is Luke (first name) Skywalker (middle name). I think that Little J thinks that if we has a little brother his name will truly be Luke Skywalker.

I'm a little relieved that the ultrasound tech is "sure" that this baby is a girl. We LOVE the fact we will soon have one of each although another boy would have been fine. Except that the girl short list seems a lot more appealing than four months of "Luke Skywalker". I think I would have to agree to the first "real" name he suggested.

The question of the day is: if I handed him the birth certificate form could he REALLY sentence our child to Luke Skywalker for the rest of his life?

One Cute Ring Bearer

2008-03-17T16:52:00.009-05:00

This weekend we traveled to Arkansas for a wedding. Little J was asked to be a ring bearer, his first time with this important job! He was told that if he did a good job he would win a prize. He did a great job, even tried to help his very young ring bearer partner and earned a very large Power Ranger for his efforts.

I was little concerned that we wouldn't feel up to the wedding since on our trip there he threw up several times. I'm thinking it was just the combination of a banana and some curvy roads because while Jake was cleaning up the mess in the car and our friend was digging out 7-up and meds, he was circling her house with her dog. Then he ate a whole Sonic Wacky Pack...

The Rehearsal:

Doesn't he look good in a tux???

The Bride thinks he should marry the flower girl, they were definitly set up!

But he has his eyes on the bride!

Notice the other ring bearer dragging his pillow.

Bustin a move at the reception.

Family Photo

Details

2008-02-27T15:32:00.002-06:00

I keep forgetting to post the details that Rhonda asked for (thanks everyone too for all of the well wishes regarding our pregnancy!).

Here are the basics:
We are 17 weeks.
Due August 5th.
Don't know what we're having yet but hope to find out at our next ultrasound in a couple of weeks. Jonah is SURE we are having a girl though. Today though he said he wanted it to be a boy so that he can be the big brother. I guess he's a little confused in thinking HE will be the big SISTER if the baby is a girl. I got to try and explain that one again, I obviously didn't do a very good job the first time.

Here's the stuff you probably don't want to know:
We needed help from a specialist this time around. We saw, Dr Jarrett, from Indy and totally loved him. He was the first doctor to give us a reason why went through three years of surgeries, a miscarriage, and lots of drugs and heartache, and was still left with empty arms. We agreed morally with the way he did things and thought his staff couldn't be more encouraging and helpful.

Although we are SO HAPPY to be at this point I still have to convince myself that it is very probable that we are going to get a baby "out of this deal". Maybe I'll believe it during labor, or maybe when I'm holding him or her, or up all night feeding...

The Pants Blanket

2008-02-25T20:13:00.000-06:00

Little J and I had a big discussion on Friday, when we had our most recent big snow, about what kind of birthday party we were going to have and what kind of bedroom he wanted (we decided that it was time to retire our Bob the Builder" theme). We were planning on a super hero theme for both his party and his bedroom, but he wanted to change them both to Power Rangers (which I am not very excited about). I made the mommy decision that we are sticking with the super hero party theme because I already bought a few things for it, but the room was negotiable. Because just a few days ago he said he wanted a Transformers room I was not feeling very comfortable about investing in either them or Power Rangers. Then I suggested that I make him a quilt like we did for the twins and he was all for it. He exclaimed that he would "keep it on his bed forever!" I liked the sound of that so we immediatly got to work on it.

As it turned out, I already had 100 squares out of denim already cut out and ready to go. But after sewing one row and doing some measuring I realized that I needed twice that many. So I searched the garage sale boxes and brought up a couple pairs of blues jeans and began cutting. Jonah thought this was FUNNY! Above is a picture of Jonah trying out his half done quilt.

When big J got home that night he told him "Mommy is making me a quilt out of pants!"

Valentine's Day is for girls

2008-02-15T10:32:00.003-06:00

Yesterday morning I suggested to little J that he wear a red shirt for Valentine's Day. Apparently, I shouldn't of mentioned such a thing because red and pink are FOR GIRLS. He informed me that he was going to wear green and blue. And Batman. He first put on a green t-shirt followed by a long sleeve blue t-shirt. The outfit was completed by a too-tight batman t-shirt worn over the first 2 shirts.

Once we were dressed we finally made it to pre-school, valentines in hand. The first thing he said to me when he got in the car was, "I got a lot of girl things." As he looked through his valentines in the backseat I heard him mumble "I'm tired of this girl stuff." I informed him that I was happy to take any of the "girl stuff" off of his hands. To my surprise he said okay. I wasn't sure if I should give him a talk about how there are probably things that he likes inside the pink Barbie bags or should I just hope for lots of gummy hearts? Instead I settled for "Well do you think the girls liked your Superman valentines and tatoos?". He responded with a look of shock that said "why WOULDN'T you like Superman and that you can never have enough tatoos with a big S on it". So much for that strategy.

When we got to the Dairy Queen parking lot to meet a friend for lunch I helped him do the dirty work of looking inside the pink bags. I discovered a very nice pink pencil with hearts on it that he immediatly looked scared of. I suggested that maybe he give it to our friend Ashley, who was meeting us for lunch, for Valentine's Day. He said that he couldn't because if he touched it, he might turn into a girl.

Denial and Dissaproval

2008-02-11T14:19:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago I was discussing with a counselor friend how Jake and I wanted to talk to little J about something. She cautioned that he might not take it well.

She was right.

You would have thought that we had told him that there was a new law in our town banning super hero pajamas, orange juice, and PBS kids (all of our favs) instead of that he was going to be a big brother.

His response to "there is a baby in mommy's tummy" was first giggles and then "no there's not."

After a little convincing there was loud, vocal dissaproval:
"I don't want a baby"
"This is NOT good news"
and our favorite, though we don't know what it means: "I quit".

He went through those first stages of mourning pretty quickly and soon moved on to acceptance. He often asks how the baby is doing and reminds me to be careful. But he would rather tell people about his Super Heros Team video than the fact he is going to be a big brother. And he did come with me to hear the baby's heartbeat at my 15 week appointment this morning but it got old pretty quickly and asked to go to nurses station to talk about Power Rangers (which is what he did when he had to come with mommy to the doctor when he wasn't in the know).

While I was sleeping

2008-02-02T10:21:00.000-06:00

For a while I've been complaining about my pink blog and the other night, after I went to bed, Jake did some redecorating(don't worry Sarah, who just put together a very similar pink blog of her own, it needed to be done anyway!). You might have seen the flowers, if you didn't, don't worry because you didn't miss much. It was, well, flowery. So last night I picked out this template and even though the directions were in spanish, my computer crazed husband still attempted it. As I was going to bed I heard him shout "Why?", "No", and "Don't make me come in there" to the computer screen. I started to feel bad and let him know that he could pick something in English as long as it wasn't the flowers. He said "what kind of challange would that be?" So I woke up to this new blog. What do you think? I'm just hoping it inspires me to post more!

The Name Game

2008-01-25T15:01:00.000-06:00

Life was so much easier when Jonah was two and into Elmo since I already knew of Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and the Count. But now that J is almost five its getting more complicated.

Recently I've been quizzed on the alter egos of all super heroes and fail most of the time. I've got Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent down, but I cannot keep the aliases of the Flash, the Green Lantern or Robin straight. I can get away with calling Wonder Women "Princess Diana" (what is her last name???).

And to further throw me off we randomly checked out a Rescue Heroes video from the free kid shelf at the video store. I have no idea how many differnt Rescue Heros there are, but its a lot! J has this game where he gets out his 7 or so small stuffed animals and gives them all a name based on the "thing" that he is into. Elmo, Gorilla, dinosaur, and the rest then act out the story. He was so mad at me because I could ONLY think of the names of 6 heroes. Poor Beary {a stuffed bear dressed in camo) did not have a name and therefore the game just wouldn't work!

Too Many Eggs

2008-01-23T15:07:00.000-06:00

No, this is not a trip down memory lane, this is a picture from last week, not last Easter! Somehow I ended up with 1 1/2 cartons of eat-me-now-eggs. For some reason I lose the ability to look at expiration dates when I walk across the aisle from the milk to the eggs.

So I hard boiled 17 eggs and had them cooling in a large pot. Jonah came in the kitchen and asked what I was going to do with "those eggs"? He doesn't like eggs so I wasn't really sure why he cared to know but I told him that I was thinking about making some deviled eggs. He then asked what is probably on all 4 year old's minds when they see a large pot full of WHITE eggs- can we color them? I was to tempted to give a boring mom response such as

"Its not Easter!"

but instead I asked a logical mom question "What are we going to color them with?"

He obviously wanted the creative mom response because he asked if I could find something in the cabinet.

I then remembered my childhood days when you associated coloring eggs with the strong smell of vinegar. Then I recalled my friend Lisa mentioning that her mom always just used vinegar and food coloring. I DID have those things in my cabinet! I probably could have found a more accurate recipe online but we were being creative, right? So this is what we came up with:

Homemade Egg Dye
(measurements are app., we just poured...)
3 cups (one each in yellow, blue and red- if you have it)
1/8 c. water per cup
1/3 c. vinger per cup
6 drops of food coloring per cup (we just used primary colors and then dipped our eggs in 2 cups to make more colors, or sometimes all 3 cups or the same cup twice...).

Our eggs ended up with several finger prints on them when J handled them right away, but they dried nicely. Maybe we shouldn't have added the water. Oh well, it was an experiment and kept us busy on a cold January morning!

What happened to "cheese"?

2008-01-08T15:52:00.000-06:00

So I realize that I have been slacking in the blog department lately. Normally a situation occurs and I think "I should blog about that". The blog might stay in my mind for a few days until I remember to "spit it out" while working on the computer. But recently my blogs, or my could-be-blogs have been about words. By words I mean something that little J has said or words he confused or something along those lines. For some reason they are not sticking in my head, they leave before I have had a chance to spit them out. Is that my age talking? But today a friend e-mailed and asked where some recent pics were. I then was able to connect that with this story, the only "word" blog that I can remember. Maybe I just need concrete associations... Anyway, here goes:

I hope this story doesn't offend anyone or gross anyone out, but the above picture was taken during our Christmas picture photo shoot. During that time little J was becoming a little restless and as a result was saying several words instead of "cheese". Most of these words were Christmas words, such as Christmas tree, presents, snow and stockings. What we didn't see coming, as you can see from the above picture, was the next photo buzz word, which was diarrhea (of all things). Now, to give you a little background, he did have an unfortunate bout of the above illness at least a month prior to our "photo shoot". He was staying with Grandma and Grandpa and had an incident that was both messy and embarrassing for him (maybe it was more messy for Grandma). But Grandma explained that what he had was diarrhea and that people get it sometimes. She also said that its not something that we talk about often, especially around girls because they do not like to talk that kind of thing. Since then he has been very matter of fact if he mentions the D word and also showed concern if thought someone else might be experiencing it.

So I'm not sure why he brought it up in such a way that day. I guess Mommy doesn't count as a girl, he knows that Daddy will talk about most ANYTHING of that nature and that our photographer, a young male recent college grad (Jake's office mate) was all about the bathroom humor. But it got us to laugh, so I guess if cheese doesn't work next time...